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February 15, 2011

This is for the ladies... let me drop some knowledge

Things are tough out there… I know, I myself was a single lady for quite some time. Notice I said was, yes, past tense… I gots me a boyfriend! Suck it!!!!.... *ahem sorry, just habit I guess. I have a boyfriend now. So I figured the least I could do is drop some knowledge on you ladies out there, lend you a helping hand. It’s hard to find a good guy out there, so when you do you have TO MAKE SURE HE CAN NEVER ESCAPE!!!! I mean make him yours!

First thing first, Make everything about sex… cliché, I know, but come one they are men, and plus, there are ways to keep it classy. For instance; let’s say you are out at a club. You spot him, this good looking man smiling at you from across the room, sure, you could smile maybe even bat your lashes at him…. But what about sexing it up a few notches… play with your hair, let your bra strap fall down off your shoulder, take off your panties wrap them around a cold beer and slide it down the bar to him… now if that doesn’t scream Audrey Hepburn to him then.. I don’t know, I just dunno. When I say sex, I don’t mean it has to be crazy right out in the open innuendo… there’s subtle ways to go around it, make him wonder… have a nice long conversation about each other’s hobbies and passions… keep it going and you’ll realize this conversation keeps getting deeper and deeper and you guys are really starting to connect!... then make sure to tell him that you’ve been doing Kegel exercises the whollllle time…. At this point you are just one sexy enigma wrapped in a puzzle encased in a Rubik’s cube that’s covered in poison thorns and baby throw up… yeah, he wants you bad.

So now you’ve got him on your hook, how are you gonna reel him in?

I’m gonna break one of my own rules and tell you all some of my best tricks. Get out the notepad and mechanical pencils girls: You wanna let him know that you are for real, you’re not just trying to get a free drink, you came here to find that special someone

#1: The Bad girl: It’s true, men like a lady with an edge… how to you accomplish showing him you’re interested and achieving that super sexy edge? Simple! Tell him you need to run to the ladies room; now, obviously any sexy wise lady would be carrying around her oh so important, comes in handy to mark the ol’ territory permanent marker… so just whip that baby out and write his name on you, (works best on forehead) strut your stuff back out to that table and watch his jaw drop and his eyes tear, joyfully! Now, in my experience most men don’t know what to say… so, just twirl your hair and tell that silly goose that it’s NOT a real tat, when he looks a little let down, make sure you tell him that even though it’s not real, it could be… cuz you’re a bad girl *rawr!

#2: Sketch from the heart: Every guy likes a girl who knows how to have a good time, this one requires you to have your notepad with you, which I’m sure you always do,( you need to be able to jot down a future soul mates information and description at any given time, duh!) So you need to  So you’re at  bar, woohoo, the Dj is playing music, everyone is going nuts, shots all around… but you, you are different, you are creative and unique, guys dig that… you’re sitting at the bar, go on and suggest you guys go somewhere a little more personal, watch his eyes light up… bring him to a table in the back.. rip out a piece of paper for each of you and start sketching away… tell him to draw what he feels… (one time a guy drew a monster holding a bloody knife… I knew it symbolized his inner fears and demons, I knitted him a sweater.) he’s gonna think you are so hip… oh, also, to get in good with him, make sure you sketch his penis really big.

#3: NOT FOR AMATEURS: if not correctly done, this one can be a train wreck, you can sure mess up a date by being all like here’s my phone number, let’s get together again, blahhhh… you need to keep his train of thought on sex and go in for the kill! Look into his eyes, give him those smokey smoldering sexy eyes… then mention how hot it is getting in here, remove your cardigan (which all ladies know is a must wear to pick up cuties) lean over onto the table, exposing your cleavage… while also shielding your abdomen so you can quickly stuff your sweater under your shirt and jump up and show him how sexy you would look carrying his child in your womb!! Come on, what says sex more than fetuses in wombs!

Congratulations: I say this, because I’m positive that after following my 3 sexy tips you have a man…. Maybe you just read this and you were like wow, does this really work?... well, Miss. Skeptical pants… for your information…. It… I….YOU HAVE CELLULITE!