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656 Funny Votes
204 Die Votes
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Published June 14, 2013

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What Is a Daddy?: A Daughter's Poem
by Liv Tyler
 
What is a daddy? 
 
A daddy is kind and a daddy is strong,
He'll love you and teach you what's right from what's wrong.
 
A daddy is wise and a daddy is brave,
And his kisses feel scratchy when he doesn't shave.
 
Though he sometimes may snore, he's the man of the house. 
He wears lots of scarves and a colorful blouse. 
 
He helps you with homework and takes you on trips.
He has highlights and bracelets and gigantic lips.
 
A daddy is there at your ballet recital, 
and he's briefly a judge on American Idol. 
 
Scrawny and tanned with his protruding ribs, 
a daddy must punish you when you tell fibs.
 
But he comforts and holds you when things get too scary, 
and he publicly feuds with guitarist Joe Perry. 
 
He helps you make choices when life seems too hazy, 
like the time he had you dance on a stripper pole in the music video for his 1993 song "Crazy".
 
And a daddy decides that when you are sixteen
you should be bent over a Ford Mustang and ogled by that old man in the gas station scene.
 
'Cause a daddy knows just what is best for his daughter,
like the part at the end of the video where we go skinny dipping with that muscular farmhand we picked up on the side of the road and then as a fun prank we drive off without him and he runs after us and jumps on top of me in the car nude and dripping with water.
 
And when you feel sad, daddy picks up the phone
to tell you you're sexier than Alicia Silverstone.
 
My daddy's the best dad a daddy can be, 
Ten years ago he was diagnosed with Hepatitis C.
 

 

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