On Thursday, House Representative Kevin McCarthy abruptly dropped out of the race for Speaker of the House.

Several reasons have been cited for McCarthy’s exit, including an interview on Fox News in which he suggested that the Special Committee on Benghazi was intended to damage Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign, as well as rumors of an affair.

McCarthy attempted to clarify the reason for his resignation in the following open letter.


My Fellow Americans,

As you know, I recently dropped out of the race for Speaker of the House because I believe that for the GOP to unite and be strong, we need a fresh face. Let me reiterate that my remarks regarding the Special Committee on Benghazi were not the reason that I withdrew from the race. And the rumors of an affair are nothing more than spurious accusations that I will not dignify with a response.

Although now that we’re talking about it, I should clarify that my remarks regarding the House Special Committee on Benghazi were definitely the reason that I withdrew from the race. Just ask Renee, my beautiful mistress of 12 years.

Wait. Strike that. Forget that whole paragraph. Go back to the one above it. The remarks were not the reason. Not. And I do not have a mistress. Jeez. My words are coming out a little caddywonkers these days.

But since we’re talking about my remarks on the Benghazi committee, let me clarify that the committee was created for the sole purpose of taking down Hillary Clinton, just like the Whitewater,Troopergate, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, and Vince Foster scandals did in the good old days.

Hang on. Agh! How do you go backwards on this type-y thing??? OK listen, just forget what you read up to this point and listen to me now when I say that the Benghazi committee was NOT intended to do any of that stuff I just said.

OK, phewsh. Glad I got that out. Now, the other thing I want to say is that THE GOP IS IN DISARRAY YOU GUYS. WE ARE PANICKING AND IT’S BAD. TED CRUZ BIT THE HEAD OFF A PIGEON.

Wait. No. F!!! I did it again. Why are my fingers typing all weird?!?!

What I mean to say is that the GOP is in totally great shape! We are strong and united, and the next Speaker of the House will help us continue our goal of being hellllllllla rich and not giving two shits about you non-rich dinguses.

GOD DAMMIT. WHAT I MEAN IS THAT WE ARE WORKING HARD FOR THE HARD WORKING MIDDLE CLASS MEN AND WOMEN WHO ARE THE BACKBONE OF THIS COUNTRY.

OK, I better wrap up. In summation I just want to reiterate that the GOP does not like Obama because he is black.

Whoaaaaaaaa. Ayyyyyyyyyy. I better get outta here before I say something that comes back to haunt me.

Yours Truly,
Kevin McCarthy

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