This particular post was right before I wrote the Tim Tebow article, which was my first post to FoD. As you'll soon read, I promised the league that FN would do an exclusive article on St. Tebow if the Broncos beat the Jets on TNF.
Even I am starting to wonder if Drew Brees caught wind of this CorpseBootygate scandal, because he's been playing like a man possessed this past month or so.
Speaking of necrophilia, you know what's messed up? There's at least one necrophile (and honestly probably many more) in the world who strictly lives by the "I only have sex with dead white people" policy. I don't know if there's anything in this world worse than a racist necrophile, do you? Hitler and Sandusky you say? Damn...touché.
On with the borophyll!
Professional Blues = me (Fox)
my ninjas = black
Jack D Rocks = brown
Legion of Doom = blue
RamRods = red
Bastard Mutants = orange
T. Green? = green
AK-47 = Adam (only met him a few times and have no idea what his last name is)
CANT WAIT = turquoise
Bruce Blingstein = gray (*automatic win*)
FaNasty News Around The League (Week 11)
BASTARD MUTANTS *AUTOMATIC WIN*
Bastard Mutants owner D** S***** may need to send JDR owner S** C******* a bottle of champagne if his team wins it all this year. Since C******* started what has become known as CorpseBootygate a few weeks back, the Mutants have played lights out. We caught up with S***** to get his thoughts on his team's recent success heading into their *automatic win* week. "That scandal is the best thing going for my team right now. Just gotta keep rapin' booty and we'll keep 'rapin' booty'," S***** said yesterday. It seems as though the Mutants have embraced this drama and used it as fuel for the season. I am not sure how they have done so with an owner as repulsive and downright creepy as S*****, but to each his own. As the story goes, S***** will be looking to stay healthy and remain focused on their weekend off.
RAMRODS v. MY NINJAS
In a battle of questionable owners, D** O********'s my ninjas face J*** C******'s RamRods this weekend. It appears as though J*** read last week's wrap-up, as he was unavailable for comment this week. It's probably best that he just stay in his hole and hibernate until next season. Funny how he can still actually make it to the playoffs, which is not a reflection of his team being good whatsoever. O********, however, seems to think his team's luck is about to change. He started off by saying, "I won last week." Newsflash my ninjas: you had a fucking *automatic win* last week! Of course you won, it was an *automatic win*! O******** then went on to discuss his upcoming opponent, claiming how disgraced he was by the trade C****** offered him earlier in the week and that the anger following the proposal will have my ninjas "coming for his head." If their luck is indeed about to change, my ninjas need it in the worst way this weekend in order to remain in the playoff race. Both of these teams are on the postseason border, and I think it will take more than Aaron Rodgers to propel my ninjas to a victory this weekend. For some reason, I just don't believe it will happen. It's been the story all year for O******** and his mediocre band of ninjas. (RamRods -16)
CANT WAIT v. T. GREEN?
Speaking of luck changing, T. Green? owner T** P****** knows all about that. In the past, P******'s team would lose matchups despite putting up huge amounts of points. Now, they're winning even when they play like shit. "Last week's performance shouldn't have won, but it did," P****** said to FN reprorters yesterday at T. Green?'s ******* ***** facilities. Even though P****** was upset with his team's lack of points, he still took out time to show reporters how wise he is. "You can't win if you don't score..a lot," he added when speaking about the upcoming postseason. Man, that guy's bright. He also told us to expect his offense to get back on track, as all remaining games are "must wins." CANT WAIT owner E***** S****** is enjoying the current success of his big brother NFL team the Dallas Cowboys, which has directly led to the recent success of his own team. While he expected a win last week, he considers this week's opponent a "great owner with great elementary and junior high education." Damn, them sound like fightin' words to me. E***** clearly thinks his competition this week is somewhat incompetent, and he still feels confident that his reserves will successfully fill in this week for some playmakers on their byes. Maybe S****** has been busy in the gym, or maybe he's been spending too much time masturbating to Google images of Jerry Jones, but his matchup this week will be far from light work. T. Green? has been on a tear lately, and going against a CANT WAIT team with some reserves sounds like a sure thing to me. S****** must be over-expressing confidence to cover up some kind of inner fear, because he should be afraid about this weekend. (T. Green? -30)
LEGION OF DOOM v. PROFESSIONAL BLUES
The first time these teams met, it was too early in the season to forecast their success. This time around, we have a much better understanding of who these teams are. Or do we? We thought we knew who the Professional Blues were, but we are having second thoughts. PB Squad owner Fox's ball club is in serious disarray at the worst possible time. While Fox announced the return of quarterback Ryan Fitzbeard to the starting lineup, he refused to name his second starter. "Vick's dealing with cracked ribs right now, so it will be a game-time decision." When asked if starting journeyman quarterback John "Helter" Skelton as Vick's replacement would be a concern, Fox responded, "Uhh, fuck yeah." As for the P Blues' opponent this weekend, LoD owner B** J**** had little to say. He was not surprised by last week's loss and is "looking to rebound this week and keep the number one seed." With Vick's health a huge question mark and first-time starters at receiver and running back for Fox's PB Squad, I see a definite rebound for J**** and the Legion. I will hang my hat on some good last-minute roster moves by Fox to at least hold on with the points. (Professional Blues +44)
JACK D ROCKS v. AK-47
With the regular season coming to an end, JDR owner S** C******* needs a fucking miracle. He not only needs to win his remaining three games, but he needs a few other teams to lose three straight. I haven't looked at the schedule close enough, but I don't even think he would make the playoffs under the most perfect of circumstances (unless you included going back in time and winning some of those games that he lost). Based on his comments last week and the ones received earlier this morning, it seems that C******* is aware of his fate. He spent last week talking about things that he dislikes and things that he fucking hates; and this week's disconnect was more of the same. He started off by claiming that he let longtime friend P****** win last week because it was his birthday, followed by calling T** "insignificant" in all things FaNasty-related and just overall "insignificant in all things." And that was just the beginning. About AK-47, S** stated, "The only difference I see in AK-47 the [FaNasty] owner and the AK-47 automatic rifle is that they both kill people." Now let that media nugget marinate. So the only difference is that they are the same? This kid seriously has issues people. And not even that was the end of it. S** was back to his accusations, suggesting that AK-47 owner Adam was linked to the disappearance of a young college student named Nina Neeners back in **** when Adam was a college junior at Bradley University in Peoria, Illinois. When asked what in the hell his deal was, C******* finished his conference by saying, "[I'm] not drunk yet, but nearly." He then dropped his microphone to the floor and two-stepped all the way out of the press room, a puzzling yet hilarious site to see. Last time S** spread similar rumors, his team pulled off the upset. With Adam's Arian "Fucking" Foster on a bye this week, I think C******* will go 2-for-2 when it comes to winning a matchup after talking malicious and disgusting shit to his opponent. (Jack D Rocks -5)