Circa 3.3 million BCE Ethiopia: Near the famed skeleton, “Lucy”, archaeologists find a fossilized impression of an erect penis in wet sand. The discovery is considered the first attempt by a hominid to symbolically show his dick to a female.
c. 15,000 BCE Lascaux Caves, France: A prehistoric man uses a burnt bone dipped in orange clay and animal fat to paint his dick on a wall. This first known dick on a wall is: exaggerated in size, has a crudely-drawn arrow pointing to it, and is painted in a nook for maximum surprise.
c. 7,000 - 6,000 BCE Fertile Crescent, Iraq: Neolithic men carve and deliver dicks to consenting women in neighboring villages. The hundreds of dicks found are thought to be a fertility temple but just turn out to be a woman collecting them for her garden.
c. 2,700 BCE Northern China: A Longshan chief is the first to bronze a bull’s dick.
1223 BCE Egypt: Moses’s servant, Leibke, cuts his name into a wooden sculpture of his genitals and floats it down the Nile toward a camp of shiksas.
678 AD Japan: Emperor Keiju orders a 17-foot dick sent to his favorite concubine, Meiji. It is sculpted from a single tree and takes 3 years and the heads of 7 Imperial sculptors before the Emperor finally approves the girth, curve and smoothness. Thus marks the first Kanamara Matsuri or “Dick Festival”.
1440 Germany: Johannes Gutenberg’s young assistant is the first man to mass produce an image of his penis. Hosco Bundhammer attaches a copper dick plate to the press and prints 19 leaflets of his cock and balls. In the end, he only mails two: one to his girlfriend and one to the guy his sister is dating. He does, however, slip the remaining 17 under the door of a nearby convent.
1498 Rome: Commissioned by the Duchess Isabella Alfonsina to “paint something I want,” Sandro Vecelli paints an enormous, solicited fresco of his cock and balls.
1527 Florence: Sculptor Raphael Lodovico spends years secretly sculpting a large block of marble for Margarite Belsidere, a Roman midwife. When she finally unveils it, she is shocked to find a larger but anatomically-correct, replica of his dick.
1561 Marignane, France: After watching Nostradamus summons a dead man who appeared fully naked with an erection, his colleague, Gerard Lepeurv tries to psychically emit his dick into the mind of a local bar maid. Staring at her for a few minutes, Lepeurv believes he succeeds when she slaps his face.
1603 Rome: Caravaggio’s housemaid screams upon entering his studio. He is hiding with a camera obscura behind a hole in the closet door, projecting onto the studio wall a ghostly, upside down image of his penis.
1812 France/Russia: Paris’s most famous chef, Antoine Marie Depardieu is commissioned to create exact pastry replicas of Napoleon’s penis, except bigger, so he can give them out to ladies during his invasion through Russia. The edible dick snack is the predecessor to today’s disappearing dick snap.
1828 Lyons, France: Michel LaJoume, assistant to the French inventor of the photograph, takes the world’s first picture of dick and mails it to his second cousin. The photo predates the first selfie by 11 years, but due to the length of exposure time needed, LaJoume’s penis is limp and blurry.
1895 Paris, France: Jean Louis Nicola, the train conductor in the Lumiere brothers’ film, “Train Pulling into a Station”, becomes the first man to actually film his own dick. After two “bouteilles de Bordeaux,” Nicola rigs the Cinematographe to film himself as he points at his erection saying, “Ha Ha Haa!” Although his penis is smaller than average, the length of his dick film is over 16 feet.
1938 New York, NY: Otto Heinbeck, becomes the first man to photocopy his dick, although he must wait until 1964 in order to fax it.
1948 London, United Kingdom: Dennis Thomson, a physicist studying holograms, successfully projects the first electron dick-o-gram.
1964 Brooklyn, NY: Anthony Weiner is born.
1971 Cambridge, MA: Computer engineer Ray Tomlinson uses two side-by-side computers to send the world’s first email. Shortly thereafter–“just as a joke”–MIT sophomore Les Haegen emails Dale, his boyish-looking roommate, a drawing of his balls.
1974 Pittsburgh, PA: Michael Hesteroff becomes the first man to broadcast his penis on live national television. After sneaking naked onto the set of Monday Night Football and smiling with a semi-erection for a full 19 seconds behind commentator Howard Cosell, Cosell finally notices and says, “And some fans love the game too damn much.”
1991 Atlanta, GA: The Atlanta Falcons draft Brett Favre.
1992 Wokingham, United Kingdom: Using a keyboard, Neil Papworth sends the first text message. It contains no dick.
1997 Sunnyvale, CA: Nokia releases the 9000i Communicator cell phone. That night, Dave Franco, a cleaner at Nokia Headquarters texts Jose Fernandez a “picture of my dick”. The message travels a total distance of 132 feet and is the world’s first digital dick photo.