Last night’s Democratic presidential candidate debate, the 8th, brought us Hillary and Bernie at their highest intensity yet. However, unlike our Republican friends, they focused on issues and made no allusions to hand and/or penis size. In fact, remarkably, they didn’t even mention genitals once. Key moments from the debate below.


Clinton Didn’t Show She Was Upset About Losing Michigan, Nor Did She Bring Up The Size Of Bernie’s Penis

Secretary Clinton came out swinging by pointing out that despite her loss in Michigan, she had over 100,000 more votes for the night. Also, she did not bring up the size of Sanders’ genitals.

Sanders Was Questioned On Not Voting For A 2007 Immigration Bill, In Answer Did Not Mention Penis Size

Sanders went on the defensive after a clip was shown of him in 2007 stating that he would not vote for an immigration bill because guest workers would come into the country and lower wages. During his defense, he claimed that he was worried about the conditions for the workers. He also, presumably, had genitals the entire time he was talking. Incredibly, he failed to mention this fact during his defense.

Clinton and Sanders Promised Not To Deport Children and Families; No Promises About Genital Size Or Quality

Early on in the debate, Clinton and Sanders were pushed by the moderator on their stances over deportation. Both agreed that they would not deport children or families. Again, they didn’t talk about genitals, but that’s to be expected considering the context was about children. Just kidding, it’s actually amazing they managed to stay focused on the topic at hand for so long. I’d forgotten adults were capable of that.

Sanders Attacked Clinton’s Goldman Sachs Speeches; Neither Candidate Attacked Genitals

Sanders had harsh words over Clinton’s $225,000 speeches at Goldman Sachs. He said that if her speeches cost so much, they are probably amazing and America deserves to hear them! At first it seemed like Sanders was saying, “You show me yours, I’ll show you mine,” but then Sanders and Hillary both said that anyone could look at their public records any time to form opinions, betraying a total lack of interest into getting into a pissing contest. Now, I know that it might be hard for Sanders and Clinton to compare genital sizes, as presumably Sanders has a penis and Clinton has a vagina, but this was the perfect time to compare girth and depth. And yet, neither candidate went there.

Clinton Didn’t Respond To Questions About Email Nor Bring Up Hand Size To Penis Size Ratio

When the moderator asked Hillary Clinton about her email servers, she shockingly did not say, “Suck on this,” and then quickly strike her hands against her crotch in a sign of dominance. In an odd twist, she merely stated that she wouldn’t dignify the question with a response.

Clinton Said Sanders’ Plans Are Unrealistic; Did Not Mention If Sanders’ Penis Size Was Realist Or Unrealistic

Clinton criticized Sanders by stating that while his promises sound great, there is no way to carry them out. Essentially, she said that “Bernie doesn’t know how to implement his policies.” Or, in other words, “Bernie might be well endowed, but it’s the motion of the ocean not the size of the dog that matters.” Or, “I bet Bernie’s got a big ‘ole dick, sure. But I know for a fact he’s never made his wife, or any woman, cum once.” But she didn’t say any of those things! She changed the topic of conversation to her own ideas for health care policies. That’s genius.

No Trump Attacks, Including No Trump Genital Attacks

Both candidates said that they refused to speak personally about Trump, but instead would attack his record. What?! What?!?! They didn’t even reference how much Trump references things like penis size rather than the issues. It would have been simple: “Trump’s small hands aside, I’d prefer to focus on his record.” Boom! That’s a classy way to bring up genitals. But they didn’t even go there. Incredible performance from both Democrats.


So, Who Won?

Tie. Neither candidate said anything about clits or dicks or anything once! What self-control they exercised! I imagine they both went backstage after and immediately let lose the torrent of penis jokes they’d been holding back the entire night. It seems that the overall Democratic strategy is “do not talk about genitals.” And it just might work. Maybe. Christ, I hope so. Come on America!

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