Dear Contestants, 

Congrats! You've made it past the first round. It's very clear that you can sing. But since this is a reality show, we need to make sure your backstories are intriguing enough for a TV audience.  Please select all that apply. 
Are you...
Unable to love because your high school sweetheart died in a car accident and left you with a handicapped child 
Vaguely Asexual
You view yourself as...
Very Attractive
Will be attractive after Hollywood week
Ugly but in a charming way
Fat in a teddy bear way
So unattractive that you become a success story simply because only the best looking people are allowed to have talent
Do you have…
A life that's immediately recognizable as "depressing" or "a shame"
An illness that TV audiences are vaguely familiar with (think MS, Tourette's, etc)
A fiancé with a terminal illness
Any parents/children who have died in your arms 
An adorable child with glasses
(If Black) Two supportive aunts that can join you at the audition
(If White) Forty random family members that can join you at the audition
(If Asian) Supportive grandparents who don't fully comprehend what's at stake
No self-esteem
No self-awareness
A jealous sibling (twins, preferred)
Can You…
Sing "Hallelujah" and pretend like you are the first to do so
Hit on one of the judges and pretend like you are the first to do so
Walk slowly with trees in the background, looking contemplative
Give us a filmed tour of the shanty you grew up in 
Justify missing the birth of your child for a singing competition
Sell your soul on national television