No matter where you stand politically we can all agree that this is a historic and very important election, and it’s incredibly important that you not only share your political beliefs, but you aggressively shove them down your Facebook friends’ throats in order to get your message across. So we’ve created a step by step guide on how to make sure you’re constantly turning anything you see on social media into a horrible political discussion.
1. You only need to read the first line of someone’s post to get the gist of what they’re saying.
First and foremost: Facebook isn’t a place to read other people’s opinions. It’s a place for you to post your own opinions. So if you see someone post anything political this is a perfect opportunity to share your own message in the comments apropos of nothing. Just read the first line of their post, form an opinion, and attack. See below:
Sidenote: It is incredibly important to make sure that your response to a political post is way longer than their initial post. Bigger is better. People get overwhelmed by long posts and automatically assume that your point is good.
2. They don’t have to write about politics for you to make it about politics.
Find a way in, no matter what. See below:
3. Post on someone’s wall even if you’ve only met them once, ESPECIALLY if you’ve only met them once.
This is incredibly important. If you’ve only met someone once in passing then you are close enough to scream at them. That is what friendship is. See below:
4. A good rebuttal when you read someone’s opinion is not to ask empathetic questions, but to scream at them.
This one is self explanatory. You’ve already made up your mind, and your mind is right. That is what Facebook is for: screaming into an echo chamber. So instead of trying to figure out where someone might be coming from, assume they’re a fucking idiot and tell them as much.
Nothing makes people change their vote like screaming: Fuck you, you fucking idiot.
5. After you read someone’s post say you agree with them and then write something completely different.
This one is for experts only, but is a great way to get people talking and convincing other people that you’re not crazy, and that everybody agrees with you. When someone makes a Facebook post enthusiastically agree with them and then say something completely different as if that’s what they were saying all along.
If you follow these simple steps you can be the master of your social media world, and your candidate will win no matter what. That’s why it’s important that you lose Facebook friends, and influence people. If they unfriend you, it means they’re a cuck, and you’re doing something right.