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July 19, 2008
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Problems on Maplewood Drive

Jim McPartland

www.funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

 Fiona Apple’s ‘Criminal’ plays.

Fitting for some of today’s events.

 I do not write this from jail, nor my ‘friendless’ apartment. But I am here, writing—words in English- words I like to think occasionally make sense. I’m no English major- should have been- went the business route. Damn those ‘go into plastic’ speeches I listened to as a youth. I do watch certain people’s videos, but nowhere near the amount I get in my newsfeed because I don’t have the time. Four kids, 2 dogs and a wife that is constantly ‘honey do’ing me takes a lot of effort.

 I write instead and leave the vids to those that are much better at making them. I respect them, because they try. I rarely vote ‘Die’. I just think it’s not right. Can’t argue with effort. I do read all the blogs and have gone on record that folks like Amy4Birds is funnier than I am. I’ve never read any I thought were ‘a bunch of words’. They all make sense to me. That said, I do have to read Twonicus’ stuff more than once to really ‘get it’

As I take a break from Tom O’Brien’s very funny series of blog comedy, I pick up the Monroe Courier. The Courier is about as “High School Freshman staff writers ‘Lunch is at noon in the café today-Think Mexican!’” as one can get. It’s vaguely interesting because I like local politics, but most of you would think reading the Enquirer was more worthwhile.

The 2nd page (not the 4rth Noelle!) has the infamous ‘Police Log’. The stories of local unsolved homicides. Actually, there’s never any of those here because we’re fortunate neither one has happened since 1889, when angry farmer/pilgrim descendant stabbed a cow with a pitchfork after she refused giving him a workable utter (sorry, Buttermilk).

Today’s headline is ‘Under Investigation’. I slightly worry I’m the topic as my some jokes/comments have been taken out of context and I’m in for a long trail that I can ill afford (innocent as I am).

But, no- it seems a resident of said title is missing 28 gallons of heating oil from his tank. Claimed siphoning. Because a few drops of oil were ‘near the tank’

Einstein resident that he is, he figured someone at $4.75 a gallon had taken him for $133.

Wow.

I have trouble knowing where I need to be in 15 minutes. I have to get there early enough to find a parking space that if I don’t find the $133 citation greeting me on my windshield.

28 gallons.

In a 350 gallon tank.

 Did Mr. Maplewood Drive have nothing better to do but dip stick his oil tank daily?

I pray mine has enough to keep me in hot water, never mind the ‘drops’ that I sometimes see leading off to the mailbox—down to a local 7 Eleven—right to the Church he should go to confess his need for 28 gallons of oil by making up this story.

Funny thing is—I’m surprised with the cost of oil and gas, why more siphoning stores aren’t making news.

In the 80’s,-during the ‘gas crunch’-when it wasn’t the price- just fake demand. The lines snaked from here to Nova Scotia. Here we are again. Not the lines, but the price alone makes me wonder if I can inch along enough to put $10 in my tank and get a Subway so I’m not starving. My family? They have to fend for themselves; my basic survival has taken over

Thoughts on this crisis?

 

 

 

Editor’s note- Despite all the well wishing and good karma vibes sent today, I still got clocked in the 1st (note to Noelle- no R!) inning today.

I have every piece of equipment known to umps’, except some kind of elbow protection. Barry Bonds may need it, but I’m tougher. Barry does not feel like I do now.

I got hit right on the end of my ulna- the bone at the end of your forearm. Little skin, just bone. No shock absorption. I had my hands locked behind my back. So the available areas to whack were minimal. But don’t you know the 4’10’ batter was aiming for me. When the foul ball hit me, I almost cried and that’s not normal for me- you can swat me with a bat and I’d probably grin and bear it. Right before I thought I’d pass out from pain, I thought to myself “you will NOT do this. There are 300 people watching this game- suck it up’.

I did, but typing this without 14 Vicodan was a challenge.

 

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