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March 31, 2014

You thought your bracket was fucked up last week? Well, don't let your bracket leave the bathroom stall anytime soon, my friend, because it's way more fucked up than you thought.

You thought your bracket was fucked up last week? Well, don't let your bracket leave the bathroom stall anytime soon, my friend, because it's way more fucked up than you thought.

1. We Finally Know What A Badger Eating A Wildcat Looks Like

Brackets are like the branches of a great fucked up oak, and guess who lives in hollowed out stumps and feasts upon whomever tries to give the branches a fruit check? BADGERS. The Arizona Wildcats found themselves the meal of the day for the Wisconsin Badgers, who, at the last second, tore the Wildcats throats open and began to nosh on the kitties' bellies in front of a jaw-dropped nation, who couldn't believe there could be so much blood in such a short period of time.

The Wildcats summoned their inner Jim Varney (RIP 4EVER)

2. Wildcats Superior Not-Sucking Abilities Over Wolverines


We are gaining a decent idea of where the Wildcat fits in the bracketeered food chain. Badgers will dominate, yet Wildcats can outsmart and out 3-point-last-second-bomb a Wolverine any day. As the bomb explodes, we see the tatters of our brackets strewn alongside the limp remains of that once great predator, the Wolverine.

3. Man's Worst Friend

300 Spartans could hold off whole legions of CGI, but 15 of them could not save our brackets from a bunch of snow dogs. Those UConn Huskies embarrassed Michigan State and pissed all over our brackets in the process. BAD DOGS.


4. The Final Four Quarantine On Michigan

Their must be some horrible disease in Michigan that only the good doctors of the Final Four are aware of, because in a real bracket fucking move they collectively deemed any school out of Michigan unfit and unsafe to participate in the tourney's namesake. What's so disgusting in Michigan, doctor/basketball gods, that you must quarantine the whole state and destroy our brackets in the process? Lupis? Polio? Measles? IS WHATEVER DETROIT HAS SPREADING? WHAT IS IT?????

5. The Arizona Sun

The Wildcats must have had too much Arizona Sun, because they all had heat strokes and fucked up our brackets. How awful is the Arizona Sun? It's so awful, and so bracket destructive, that it can even infect the minds of shirtless Arizona college kids AT NIGHT.

Witness their sun-bleached brains exemplify the horrors of that devil sun, la sol de la ARIZONA. They rioted after the Wildcats lost and their brackets were fucked up beyond repair, and they have that big star in the sky to blame as much as those rabid Badgers.

Even at night the sun has poisoned the minds of Arizonians.

6. Cinderella Staying Out Past Midnight.

Dayton was the closest broad at the dance to a Cinderella. But then she ate too many shrimp cocktails, lost track of time, and headed home way past midnight. Her dress turned to rags, her shoes went from classy see-through to stripper see-through, the kind you can stick dollar bills inside the heel, and she got eaten by a gator. We all put Cinderellas in our brackets, and now we've been fucked for our hope and good will.

7. Rosa Parks Essay From UNC


This paper, written by a UNC college sports player, highlights that college sports is filled with a lot of idiots, and a bunch of idiots had a hand in fucking up your bracket.

This simple essay also shows us the world will never be fair. This final term paper received an A-, while your bracket got an F. For Fucked. A BIG. FAT. F.

8. Free Throws

They are important in redeeming brackets and in destroying them. Wherever your chips may lie, free throws have surely had a hand in your brackets own destruction, which is why this very simple fundamental of basketball lays on this list. Late game free throws are the most heart-stopping affairs in sports, and this tourney's stripe sessions have done nothing but tell our families DNR, because our brackets' now DOA.

9. Other Things That Fucked Up Your Bracket

That Coke Commercial about the Lobster Man - that Lobster man claims dressing up in a costume will bring about another teams destruction. If there is any truth to this claim, and Lobster Man had a claw in fucking up your bracket, may he boil in a pot of your tears.

Giant White Clipboards - I know they are for play drawing but I feel like they are blocking views for people who may be able to save a game I had going my way on the ol' bracket.

Louisville's Hatred Of Repeats - They didn't want people to get 2013 and 2014 confused when talking about championships, so they did the decent thing for our memories and the horrible thing for our brackets and took the next flight home. 

Slapping Players - This year, it is THE WAY to motivate players and fuck up our brackets.

Russell Crowe - I don't know if he's really had any responsibility in the fucked upness of our brackets, but I've been seeing his ark-building mug around a lot lately, and that can never be good.

They say make love, not war, but what can you do when the war is being made on your bracket? You can either go the Arizona way and riot at the unfairness of all, or you can embrace our long fall to hell. Make love to war. Enjoy the chaos, as we toast to our failed choices for yet another week!