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February 13, 2017

That bird is a top-heavy disgrace.

Reasonable people are able to admit that flamingos are an imperfect bird.They denounce the parts of the bird they deem substandard, and get on with their day. But for some reason, you refuse to do so, and it makes me furious.

Let’s cut the crap: Are you really going to sit here and act like flamingos don’t have shit legs?

I’m not trying to censor you, but just understand that when you defend flamingo legs as “adorable,” you lose credibility. It makes it hard to take you seriously when you assess the body parts of other animals. I know that sounds harsh, but I’m actually doing you a favor. People are laughing at you behind your back, whispering to one another, “That’s the jackass who thinks flamingo legs aren’t trash.”

Even a child can look at flamingos and know their legs are wrong. They’re too long, too skinny, too unstable. You think a flamingo could take a kick to their pathetic approximation of a shin and remain upright? Yeah right. It would fall into the water beak first and flail around like an idiot. Deep down, you know I’m right.

Their necks are pretty fucked too.

And don’t even get me started on their knees. I guess their legs never got the memo that knees are supposed to bend forward. Evolution did quite a number on them. Perhaps there was a time back in a distant era when flamingo legs weren’t total bullshit. Or maybe their legs were even worse then, and those pipe cleaners they’re tottering around on now are the improved version. Either way, it’s clear God put flamingos on this Earth as comic relief. They’ve certainly given me a lot of laughs.

If a designer presented blueprints for a flamingo in front of his team, they would be fired on the spot for drafting such a structurally unsound bird. They would be blackballed from the industry, and might even kill themselves once their wife left them and took the kids.

No legs would be better than what flamingos have now.I’d have more respect for them if they rolled to their destination like a sack of potatoes tumbling down a hill, or just floated on the water and let the stream take them where it may.

Stop defending flamingo legs. You sound stupid.

I concede that their legs are compelling to look at, in a car crash kind of way. When I see a flamingo, I do zero right in on those chopsticks they totter around on. But it’s with a mix of pity and rage, not admiration. And when I see the fawning look in your eyes as you stare at their legs, it makes me sick.

That bird is a top-heavy disgrace.

Lest you think I’m against all animal legs, let me disabuse you of that notion right now. I check out animal legs frequently, and there are plenty of them I think are top notch. Elephant legs are sturdy and regal: They’re everything a lower limb should be. Kangaroo legs are just the right amount of furry. Leopard legs aren’t flashy, but they get the job done. But flamingos? Yeesh.

I normally don’t condone body shaming, but in the case of flamingo legs, I can’t see any other alternative.