Funny Or Die’s headline incorrectly calls this a quarter crisis.
27 times two is 40. I turned 27 on June 26. People die at 40, meaning my life is half over. This is a midlife crisis.
The midlife crisis entered my nightmares with Ina Garten, the Barefoot Contessa.
Now, I’m used to having dreams with Food Network personalities, but this was my first undesired sexual TV chef dream. You must understand, I always wake up looking like an electrocuted meth lab sheep.
For reenactment’s sake, I’m wearing makeup, fixed up hair, Swarovski crystal false eylashes and a Victoria’s Secret PINK brand undergarment. True to real life, you know. Just like Pretty Little Liars.
Ina was up in my face talkin’ smack.
Like, “You’ll never be a celebrity chef! Mmmm, because you won’t be a celebrity chef, you’ll never be an important film director and entertainment mogul! You posted a cookbook for free on iBooks; no one cares!”
Things went Greek yogurt sour when she tried to make out with me.
When I refused, I got absolutely bitch slapped.
Ultimately, Austin Powers rescued me, revealing Ina “was a man, baby!”
She was Russell Brand all along, wearing a life preserver stuffed inside his Polo dress shirt. “I got this ‘Dark Horse Contessa’ wig from my ex-wife, Katy Perry!” he added. Ina’s husband, Jeffrey, unmasked himself to actually be Juicy J.
I woke up frightened. Not only did Ina Garten smell old cheese stale like the filthy British comedian’s worst jokes, he/she was right. If I don’t become a celebrity chef, I won’t have legions of cooking show fans to watch my movies and a permanent TV side career I love. I won’t win an Oscar. Certainly, I won’t be the first Oscar-winning director with a hybrid eating out/cooking TV show and make Esquire’s annual Women we Love spread. Granted, Martin Scorsese was in a V Magazine lingerie photoshoot, but catch my thoughts for a moment, OK.
A guy friend texted me. For privacy purposes, we’ll disguise him with a giant Garfield head.
Our conversation went as follows:
Garfield: Why don’t you film a reality TV show like the Kardashians?
Nicole: Because Ang Lee didn’t do that shit. I have career standards.
Garfield: Why do you write on Funny Or Die then?
Nicole: I’ve never heard of that website before.
Garfield: A reality show’s easier than producing a sex tape starring a washed up brother. I don’t know where you might cast fake friends.
Nicole: Oh, please. Somewhere, there exist famewhore, ambitious, worrywart, evil people who are relatively good looking. I’ll try the University of Texas at Austin.
Garfield: I doubt you’ll find them there.
Nicole: Oh yeah?! I went to UT Austin, didn’t I?
You ask why I’m so nuts on this mid life crisis? Around 35, women need to pull a Greta Garbo disappearing act. Your looks fade. Unless you aim to look like Penny Marshall, or Shrek — I often confuse them — no moderately cute female has directed a film and lived to show her face in public. I refuse to be seen on a red carpet wearing a US size 6 in Topshop.
That afternoon, I hit UT Austin casting fake friends…meeting a ghost town. Had I read the schedule, I would’ve seen school was out for summer. Bummer. I drowned my emotions in mochi ice cream until I went into a diabetic coma, gave up on life and wrote this Funny Or Die column. Luckily, sugar has the same effect on me as high potency crack does for normal people. Two ice cream bites in, I’ll find Robin Thicke charming.
I’ve exhausted all my options. Food Network pitching folks don’t want me despite years of trying. Ditto on Spike TV.
Nor do they want my body: I’ve tried.
After all, I got this Funny Or Die job via molesting Will Ferrell. I’ve dated every person I ever interviewed for a newspaper or magazine. Hell, do you think I got my Giada De Laurentiis interview by traditional means? We sexted things I can’t dream of showing you on Funny Or Die involving an automatic pasta machine.
Please download my free cookbook. PLEASE. ;(
The Wall Street Journal says cookbooks are dying thanks to the Internet. If you have any pity in your heart to download my free(!!!!) cupcakes cookbook, it’s up on iBooks.
Sure, while I scavenge for organic half eaten bananas outside the Whole Foods dumpster, you’re welcome to download it. You’ll really feel sorry for me the day I start buying all my clothes at Target and Payless ShoeSource, where my Aunt Sasquatch Wide Foot Cheapskate shops. I don’t expect any of you relating to my plight.
ABOUT NICOLE RUSSIN:
NICOLE RUSSIN has done a fair amount of serious journalism in addition to Funny Or Die articles. She has a spectacular website. She also owns a Twitter and has done beauty/editorial modelling. She is in the middle of editing her first two cookbooks for a repackaged release. Before you can’t handle red ants in your pants in excitement, DOWNLOAD HER FREE COOKBOOK OUT NOW!
TO DOWNLOAD THE FREE CUPCAKES COOKBOOK:
Miss Nicole’s Cupcakes is available for FREE on Apple’s iBooks: