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August 27, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Neil Armstrong passed away on Saturday. Authorities have taken his arch rival, Ted Legpower, in for questioning.

Of Armstrong, fellow astronaut John Glenn said, "When I think of Neil, I think of someone who for our country was dedicated enough to dare greatly.” "Too bad I got to taste space's sweet breasts first."

In other news, early Sunday morning, reality star Snooki gave birth to a baby boy. Proving that when god closes one door, he sometimes knocks over the trash bin.

Ecuador says that Britain has withdrawn any threats to storm its embassy to seize Wikileaks founder Julian Assange. Keep in mind, the last time Britain withdrew a threat was the last time Britain made a threat.

Two members of Pussy Riot have fled Russia after their three bandmates were sentenced for "hooliganism." Unfortunately for them, Vladimir Putin has their scent.

Scientologists set up camp at a Ron Paul festival being held near the GOP convention in Florida. Said Ron Paul supporters, "Oh, is this why people find us annoying?"

"2016: Obama’s America" has become the top grossing documentary of the year, surpassing "Bully." Suggesting that people care more about acting like children than they do actual children.

Scientists have found a group of insects who sunbathe to stay healthy. However, the insects lift weights just because they like the attention.

Don King hopes to produce a boxing event in North Korea. If successful, it will be the first time North Koreans get to see two people brutally attacking one another for something that isn't food.

Randy Travis was arrested Friday for getting into a fight with a man in a church parking lot. "Good thing he hits like a woman," said the priest.

In California, a couple used water-powered jetpacks to close out their wedding ceremony. Why water-powered jetpacks? Because they wanted to save all the fire...for their wedding night...because they're honeymooning in Alaska...and it's cold there.