Four Rules For Being A Successful Porn Magnate

Hi, my name is Bryce Rexley, and I run a chain of popular pornographic websites. I’ve been asked not to call any of them specifically by name, but a few of them rhyme with “Rum Freaks,” “Gum Lovers,” and “Hum Guzzler Gulch.” I clear over two million dollars a year, and I own a sizable ranch-style home in Sun Valley. I’ve been asked today to impart some advice and some of the things I’ve learned so that maybe you too can turn an unfurnished two-bedroom home in North Hollywood into a Skywalker Ranch of gonzo fucking.

1. Be The Girls’ Best Friend

This is first, because it is maybe the most important piece of advice I have to impart. For the most part, if a woman chooses to go into pornography as a career, there is something seriously wrong with her, usually emotionally. The best way to get them to feel in some way indebted to you is to simply be there for her when she is feeling pain. But only, and this is important, only in way that is exploitative and manipulative.

For example, I had this first-timer who was starting to get cold feet over the scene she agreed to film. I remembered that she had told me over breakfast shots that she had a pretty rough childhood. So I yelled at her “Get that dick in your mouth or I’ll do worse shit to you than your Dad could ever think of!” You better believe she got straight to doing the scene. Sure, she was crying, but that just happens to be the theme of one of my sites. Win-win.

2. Dress The Part

I’ll admit it. I got into this industry because I love this stuff. I remember when I was 14 years old, jerking it to a video my friend found of his parents having sex, and thinking to myself “I never want to do anything in life than watch the various holes in girls get plugged by dicks.” It was right then and there that I knew that there wasn’t anything else I could do with my life.

Because of the restrictive and honestly kind of ridiculous law, I didn’t go to my first porn convention until I was 18 years old. I was all atwitter. This was going to be my first step into what I hoped would be my career for the rest of my life. I would be walking among giants, hobnobbing with people whose work I had admired and masturbated to for years. But when I tried to talk to some of my heroes, I got the snub.

At the time, I was shattered. I had no idea what I’d done to receive such treatment from people that I regarded as Gods of the industry. Soon after, though, I realized what I’d done wrong. I was at the height of my porn fandom, and dressed the part. I had gone to the convention wearing a wifebeater and a pair of sweats that I had stained with a mayonnaise spill (okay, it was more than likely cum). From that day forward, I decided to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Here’s the secret: You don’t have to know that much about fashion, I don’t. You just have to wear a lot of gold, leather, and snake skin. I know! It’s that easy!

3. Location, Location, Location!

I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me. A young director bursts into my office, stammering over his words in his excitement to get out his brilliant new idea. He waits with baited breath, sure that his idea is going to change the face of porn forever. But I just shake my head “no,” and say “I’ve seen a girl get a facial from four different guys, what else do you got for me?”

The truth is, the industry has been around long enough and is big enough that almost every idea has been had, shot, and sucked off. So what can you bring to the table that differentiates your midget fisting a black woman from all the other midgets fisting a black woman? Location.

Yes, I’ve seen a girl get Chinese finger trapped (incidentally, this was already a popular porn term even before Kevin Smith’s Chasing Amy), but have I seen a girl do it on Goliath at Six Flags Magic Mountain? No. Have I seen a girl having traditional missionary style sex while being repeatedly punched in the face? Of course. Have I seen it on a playground with onlooking parents and children? You just got yourself a green light. So you see, an interesting location can turn even the most boring sex acts into something special.

4. Be A Keeper and Doer of Drugs

This is another big one. Just like in professional sports, careers can be made with performance-enhancing drugs. But there is an important distinction between the drugs you should do and the drugs you should keep.

One of the drugs you should definitely do is cocaine. I can tell you the day that my company went from a low-grade operation to a legitimate empire. And that’s the day that I started doing an eightball of cocaine every day. That’s the secret to productivity. Sure, I might be suffering from a few deviated septum-related issues, but who cares? I’m fucking rich now.

And the one drug that you should definitely always have on hand for your talent is methamphetamines. When I got my first big meth score, my company turned from a house full of whiney employees to a harem full of slaves. And that’s a good thing. Fair warning, though: Don’t do meth. I lost what could have been one of the most productive years of my life to that evil fucking demon drug. Don’t do it! But definitely use it to placate and addict your talent.

So there you go! Follow these four tips and you’re virtually guaranteed a rewarding and successful life as a porn director. Just don’t try to compete with me on any of my specialties or I’ll probably have someone saw your fucking head off. Just kidding, but not really.