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May 31, 2010


Those Were Different Times Contest #61

Introducing: Mike Adkins "Thank You For the Dove"
sorry about the judging lag, it's pollen/migrane seaon for me.

and the "Best Monologe Which Dennis Hopper Could've So Concieveably Delivered That It's Insane" award goes to:
"Really, Karen? A dove for Father's Day?" "It's a symbol of..." "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! He's shit on my favorite shirt! I spent $1800 on a diamond pendant for Mother's Day and this is what I get? You know what? Put...put away the FUCKING steaks. I'm in the mood for poultry tonight. How's that for a FUCKING symbol? It's MY fucking day, Karen. MINE! Jesus, not even one GODDAMN fucking tie! Thank you, Karen. THANK you for the dove."

and the "Best Juxtaposition Between A Recipe And A Visual Image" award goest to:
You need about 3 doves a serving; when freshly killed hold the dove firmly with the left hand while twisting and pulling the head and neck off with your right thumb and forefinger. Insert either your thumb or first two fingers of your right hand in the neck opening and and firmly pull down, ripping the breasts free from the rest of the bird, which can then be left in the field to benefit nature. Remove the skin and feathers from the breasts, and then place them in a zip-lock bag 1/3 filled with a 50/50 mixture of Red Wine and Dr Pepper to marinate for at least several hours. Wrap the breasts in bacon secured with a soaked toothpick and grill slowly at very low heat, basting constantly with a mixture of 50/50 Butter and Trappeys Red Devil Hot Sauce for a Spicy Treat or, your favorite Barbecue sauce if you prefer... Bon' Apetite and - PEACE OUT!!!

14. "But I asked you for your "love."...fucking deaf cunt."

13. Mike had this bird stuffed..if you know what I mean...

12. . . . and thank YOU for your dignity.

11. The cover art makes Mr. Adkins look like a product of the forbidden love between Richard Simmons and my 10th grade history teacher.

10. I want to listen to this album so bad. I bet he has the voice of an angel.

9. "No really, 'thanks'. I'm so incredibly overwhelmed that I made this epic album from pure irony."

9. Don't worry. I won't hurt it. I'm hung like a Starling.

8. ....this is my covenant with you, I will fuck your ass every day till the day you die (and then a little bit more)

7.5. Featuring the controversial song, "White and pure (in a city full of dirty, colored, rats with wings)".
7. Though, as the father of 'Teen Wolf', I will in all likelihood savagely devour it when the next full moon arrives. Still, it's the thought that counts.

6.?. "I'm still not returning our daughter."
6.75. "Thanks also, for the unreachable shit on top of all my draperies."
6.5. "...the talon and beak marks on my scrotum are healing nicely."
6. "Unfortunately, I still can't void the contract on your life."

5. "Thankyou for the dove...but I think you misunderstood me when I told you I was looking for a white chick that would happily swallow my seed."

4. ...I would of preferred a gerbil, but with the right lubrication, anything's possible.

3.5. "Oh Nicholas come here, I got you a new pet!"
3. Mike Adkins my ass. I know the dad from "Eight is Enough" when I see him.
"Yeah go ahead and laugh it up boys, but church girls eat this shit up. Now let's hurry up and lay these tracks down...Daddy's got some flockin' to do."

2.75. The Adkins "eat all the doves you want" diet never caught on.
2.5. It is nice and chocolatey inside.
2. While some movies are released straight to video, this album is released straight to Branson.

1. Eventually made a porn movie with dove called "When Doves Cry For More"