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Published February 28, 2013

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If Congress doesn’t reach a deal by this Friday, a “sequester” will take effect—cutting $85 billion from the federal budget instantaneously, with a total of $1.2 trillion over the next 10 years. “Scare-quester,” you say? Nay! I say, “Sequ-excellent!” Bring on the sequester in all its fiscally irresponsible glory! Here’s what I’m most excited about:

1. Cuts in FDA mean less food safety.
My appendix has been suckling off the welfare teat of “every other one of my organs” for far too long. Get to work, appendix! These terrifying and archaic poisons aren’t going to whisk THEMSELVES out of my soon-to-be-healthcare-less body!

2. Cuts in TSA mean less agents at airports.
I bought this really expensive penile rockstar-fuck cream on the Internet—I’m talking GALLONS. Longer lines through airport security will result in me holding my 3 oz. bottles out for more hot babes to check out, and they will know that I’m DTF right there in the X-ray machine. My belt’s already off, anyways.

3. Cuts in military and intelligence spending across the board.
I’ve seen three episodes of Homeland. I think I’ll be JUST FINE, thankyouverymuch.

4. Cuts to the SEC mean less regulation on stock trading.
I still own LOTS of stock in Prodigy.net, so I look forward to a time when I can set the price at whatever I want. $7 a share? THAT’S 1,000 TIMES WHAT THEY’RE WORTH NOW! I’ll be rich! Unless smarter people scam the country out of billions, like they did a few years ago. History never repeats, right?

5. Cuts in education, specifically the Head Start program.
Oh. Um…home-schooling’s still a thing! Yeah! Those kids turn out fine. A home-schooled kid auditioned for my college improv group, and he spent the entire time running into walls. He didn’t make it into the group, but I’d like to think he beat that wall.

6. Cuts to the National Institute Of Health
Good! What have they done for me lately? [Googles NIH] Everything from trying to cure cancer and AIDS to knocking out even the common cold? Well…good still! I want ALL the diseases, so that I can become immune and can become the next pope. That’s how they choose the pope, right? I want to be the pope. God only gives me as much as I can handle (every disease).

7. Cuts to unemployment benefits.
Okay, now that’s just mean. Yes, like my aforementioned appendix, I don’t “have a job”, nor do I “plan” to get one in the “near future,” so unemployment is my safety net! That and my parents’ lucrative yacht-rental business! And what about those whose parents do not own a lucrative yacht-rental business? I can’t think of anyone I know, as I hang out exclusively on yachts and in yacht-rental offices (when I'm not in an airport line boning thanks to my special oils and creams), but I saw someone at the farmer’s market once who could only afford day-old kale. He claims not to have had a job since “the weekend started” and won’t be returning to work until “Monday.” I fear for that man.

8. Cuts in spending to care for the mentally ill.
Geez, really? That is disturbing, to say the least. I doubt they’ve seen Homeland.

9. Cuts to be determined later.
Look, I’m gonna come clean: If they cut funding to my fave dick-ointment company Flacid Floppers, I’m setting sail for Canada.

10. Cuts to Canada.
LEAVE ME ALONE BIG BROTHER I JUST WANT TO GET ON MY YACHT AND APPLY MY LOTIONS AND WATCH RERUNS OF FULL HOUSE IN PEACE!

11. Cuts. It. Out.
How rude.

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