1) These Flash Forwards Suck
Aaaaaaaand. We. Are. BACK! Back to another flash forward. But before we can figure out what’s going on here, let’s flash even more forward.
It’s Old Man Grimes! I find it hard to believe that Rick finds it hard to believe Jerry rode all this way just for dessert.
What do I mean by that? I mean Butternut Skillet Cake (a fan favorite from the comics) is my favorite new character and I can’t wait to see how the writers needlessly kill Butternut Skillet Cake off for no apparent reason.
And now we’re going to flash back to a quick flash forward because what the fuck happened to this show.
2) Carl’s Last Day: The Musical
That feeling when the house you bought in Atlanta last year may not have been a sound investment.
It’s Carl’s last day on Earth, folks! And it’s set to a really bizarre music choice. I would’ve gone with “Celebration” by Kool & The Gang but maybe that’s a little too obvious. Imagine it’s your last day of life and one of the items on your to do list is wear that stupid hat. Carl really packed a lot of activities in! Between his blogging, and lighting tiny candles that will last five minute, and taking selfies, and playing Blue Man Group with Judith, and … a Big Cat bar?
3) Big Cat Bar
This bothered me so much more than it should have. I wish I could explain why it bothered me that they went with a generic store brand soundalike with similar packaging, that was so clearly an actual Kit Kat bar when they were eating it, instead of just making up literally anything else. But here we are. And many years from now as I’m dying on my deathbed my final words will be, “That Big Cat thing. Still pretty dumb.”
4) Adventures In Babysitting
Come on, Carol! Let New Carl come on your murder field trip! How is he New Carl, you ask? Well, he’s being told to stay in the house and he’s annoying the shit out of me. If that’s not new Carl, I don’t know what is.
5) Carl’s Plan To Survive The Night Is Not Going Great
Wow. This character dialogue is so…what’s the word I’m looking for? Moving? No, that’s not it. Emotional? No. It’s not emotional. It’s…dog ass. Yeah, that’s it. This dialogue is greyhound booty all day long. Carl really said, “I got bit,” twice. The first time was enough, bud. And even that may not have been necessary considering everyone but you has eyes.
6) Oh God, King Zeke Doth Talking Like That Again
Ugh. He’s doing the talking thing again. Yeah, go ahead and kill him. Wait, now Gavin said, “Negan’s gonna kill you,” twice. Why is everybody saying things twice? Don’t they know how words work? If you say something, someone hears it and you don’t need to say it again. But all the dialogue this season has been so hard to hear, maybe they figured just having people repeat stuff is easier than actually fixing the sound.
7) Rick Does NOT Want To Hear Siddiq’s Crap Right Now
Siddiq, buddy. Read the room. Rick does not want your Flintstone vitamins or sob stories about your dead parents.
8) “They Don’t Have The Ammo For That”
I love that he says the Saviors don’t have enough ammo to destroy the place as we hear the booming sound of the Savior’s ammo destroying the place. Also, Daryl talking ominously about murder while holding Judith was terrifying.
9) Morgan Said Things Twice … Twice
I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Morgan just said, “This is it,” twice. Then he said, “No,” twice in the same scene. This episode is 20 minutes longer than other episodes and it’s all so people can say lines twice.
10) Morgan’s Got A Taste For Blood
Love doesn’t have an off switch. That’s what makes it so magical. And Morgan really loves stabbing people in the throat with his stick. You have to respect Morgan’s commitment. He either kills nobody ever or everyone all the time and there’s really no middle handle on his frozen yogurt machine of death.
11) My Very Reasonable Conspiracy Theory
Seriously. What the hell is going on. Ezekiel just repeated his whole “not too late” line twice. I have a few conspiracy theories I firmly believe in, and one of them is now AMC padded this episode with unnecessary repeated dialogue and drawn out character interactions to make it longer so they could sell additional commercials for this highly viewed death that honestly should’ve just happened in the midseason finale and been over. I don’t even think it’s accurate to call it a conspiracy “theory” when it’s clearly just some shit they did.
12) These Flash Forwards Can Kiss My Zombie Ass
Damn, Rick. You pick up a fat sack of kush on that last supply run? Your eyes are looking toasty, my guy. Time to flash forward!
That beard. Rick. You look insane with that beard.
Hey, I know that outdoor stove! I saw it on Shark Tank! It’s a show that’s now also on Sundays and I can’t tell you how much I would rather be watching it right now.
Cool, now time to flash back from our flash forward to another flash forward and oh my god that is so insane. I hope they’re burying whoever signed off on it.
13) Cry Baby
Listen to your brother, Judith. Sometimes a kid has to show their parents the way. Like when a kid goes off to rescue a rando and gets bit under the most unnecessary circumstances. On second thought, maybe don’t listen to your brother. Oh god. They couldn’t just let that awful hat die with Carl? Noooo! It’s going to look even dumber on her tiny head! Wow, what a touching scene…that’s completely ruined by the infant crying sound effect they used. Full on Labrador butthole.
14) Raging Honor
Carl, you in no way honored Lori. You left the house and got killed, I can’t think of anything that would bring her memory more shame. But don’t worry, Carl! Siddiq is going to honor you. He’s going to be the town barber, so nobody ever has to walk around looking like you ever again. Just look out, Siddiq. Rick banged the last person who had that job.
15) Morgan’s Organs
Carol and Morgan’s plan to shoot from the stage with no cover is going surprisingly well for a thing that should’ve gotten them killed right away. And just when you think this guy’s bloody mouth is the grossest thing you’re gonna see all episode, OH MY GOD! HAHAH. HOLY FUCKING SHIT MORGAN JUST RIPPED THAT GUY’S GUTS OUT WITH HIS BARE HANDS. CLEANUP ON AISLE NASTY.
16) Morgan’s Enjoying This A Little Too Much
Morgan is in full murder mode and he clearly likes it way too much. Slowly stalking his victim like the Terminator or goddamn Jason Voorhees. I thought it was weird he missed shooting him, but now I’m beginning to think he missed on purpose just so he could play with the guy before the kill. Everyone needs a hobby. My mom likes needlepoint. This is Morgan’s needlepoint.
17) Can We Wrap This Up?
Guys. Please. Can we wrap this up? Shark Tank is on. I swear to god, Carl can’t even die right. All these head kissy montages and stacks of stupid letters and bad stories about old episodes. IT’S ALMOST AS IF AMC FILLED THIS EPISODE THEY KNEW PEOPLE WOULD TUNE IN TO WITH A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT TO MAKE IT LONGER TO SELL MORE COMMERCIALS oh god, now I’m repeating my own dialogue. I’ve become part of the problem.
18) Now, That’s What I Call Grimes
Rick’s playing his greatest hits! He opened with “Carl!” Then went straight into “Things Are Different Now!” I bet he’s going to close with “I’m Gonna Kill Youuu!” that always brings the house down.
19) New Carl Confirmed
This little fucker didn’t stay in the house and killed someone he didn’t have to. New Carl confirmed.
20) Wow What A Twist
So the flash forwards were actually Carl’s visions this whole time! Wow! What a twist! What a poodle anus twist golden retriever ass cheeks.
21) This Episode Could’ve Been 15 Minutes Long
Ezekiel said, “All will be resolved,” twice in this scene and this episode could’ve seriously been 15 minutes long total and accomplished everything except pissing me off.
Wow. Carl’s dead. Hard to believe that after so many years together this guy I’ve repeatedly wished death upon is finally gone. And now, a moment of silence for all the good Carl memories.
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Negan really live peacefully with Rick and the gang? Only after the season 12 All Out Spaghetti story arc comes its dramatic conclusion. What adventures will New Carl get into? He’s going to eat a ton of pudding on a roof and kill his mom. This show is fresher than ever! What the fuck was up with that weird ending? I don’t know and neither do the people who are writing this show. NONE OF THIS AND MORE! Next time on S08E10 of The Walking Dead.
Here’s the video version of this recap.