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January 23, 2012

Stuff gets me riled up. Come here for my new weekly column 'YOU'VE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME.' This week I take on Newt Gingrich and ask how it can be that he's even in this race. There is swearing, mild nudity, some foul language, and (surprisingly) no cocaine references. If you enjoy please share!



By: Sam Grittner

I didn't think I would write this. I thought someone else would. Someone smarter, more articulate, not prone to stealing muscle building supplements from GNC every Friday for the past six weeks, female, black, with a musk reminiscent of old mustard mixed with authority and birdseed... basically Forest Whitaker... but no one has gone ahead and stated things the way I see them, so I'll speak up for me the only way I can: by speaking up, for me, about the way I see things.

The Republican Party is FUCKED. Ryan-Gosling-showing-up-at-a-party-with-no-pants-on-fucked. Everyone knows that. I could (and will) write a lot more on this in the coming weeks and months but for today I choose to focus my thought laser (see: brain) on one person in particular (though he's got the BMI of three to seven). Let's talk about Newt Gingrich, shall we?

I'll preface this with one more thing: Democrats are terrible too... just much less so and only because they act like giant pussies and acquiesce to any and all demands while pissing themselves then wondering in bewilderment why it keeps happening to them. You just need to know that I try to be as fair to both parties about what fuck-ups they are.

Newt. The name alone is that of a lizard. Name a good lizard. I DARE YOU. The closest you're going to get is Kermit and (according to Wiki) he was "seen as a lizard-like creature." Name a good lizard. You can't. They're evil. All of them. The GEICO chameleon fucked my little sister at a BBQ last summer, so fuck you (don't worry: I took 15-20% off his face with my hands). Never trust lizards... they're: LIZARDS. 

Not bad enough? Ok. Have a REPUBLICAN with a last name that is literally three letters shy of the words 'GETTING RICH.'

That's what the American people want to see every day while they watch local mom and pop shops shutter, their decent manufacturing jobs disappear, and are forced to settle for 22' flatscreen TVs with only 'Just Shoot Me' to watch on TBS, all day, every day.

Newt Gingrich.... that's like having a Democratic candidate named Splifferton McWelfare. What the shit man?

Let's start with the most well-known fact, that he divorced his first wife WHILE SHE WAS DYING OF CANCER. IN THE HOSPITAL. Nothing and I mean nothing says "Presidential Material" or "Top Notch Class Act!" like making someone who can barely sit, breath, eat, or is barely alive because they just got done doing chemo being forced to use a shitty, chewed-on Bic to dissolve an act that was supposed to last a lifetime. Oh, by the way, he lied about that. He said that she wanted the divorce, not him. But it came out on public record. Shit Gingbitch.

This same man not only wants to be our next President, the scariest part is (and this on YOU AND ME AMERICA) HE HAS AN ACTUAL SHOT AT IT. I know people make mistakes. Just last week I thought a piece of bread was my ex-wife Sklyarr! But people who make mistakes and don't own up to them and are also hypocritical lying two-faced lizard bastards that try to get Presidents thrown out of office for doing the exact same thing they are accusing the President of doing really get my goat, stick to my craw, and shatter what little faith I have left in the American government and it's ability to function in any form or prove it's nothing more than a rich, old white man's circle-jerk club.

I could go on about him but I won't. It took me two minutes to Google the links that I provided. Do a little research of your own. It's actually sadly hilarious what Google presupposes your searching for when you just type in his name.

This is on us America. We have been screwed for the last twelve years and I'm fed up with it. We are in charge. We have have power. We have iPhones and Twitter and we have to speak up for those who can't and start to really inform ourselves and those around us about what the facts are: America is in a crisis.

Obama is far from perfect but at least under the Health Care Law he helped force through Congress and signed, Newt's first ex-wife (more like "Sanctitty of Marriage, amirite Republicans?!?) will now be covered for pre-existing conditions like cancer.

Unfortunately she won't be protected under the Bill from people like Mr. Gingrich getting elected. That's our job.

He'll be fine you guys: just give him some cake and don't ask what time he's coming home or whose heels those are.