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April 07, 2015
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I know you charge $2.95/word, so I'll make it brief.

Hey there, Luann!

I’m writing to you via this website because you’re no longer returning my calls, the space rental you had been using above my favorite Thai restaurant has been foreclosed, and the entire building has been declared “a danger to the community and an insult to those who love foreign cuisine.” Just had a few follow-up questions about the call where you advised me on my taxes a few weeks ago. You know, the call that cost me $2.95/minute? Happy to reimburse you for reading this letter, just let me know how long it takes you to read it – I know you have crippling dyslexia.

First, a quick note on the signing you as a codependent – can I have your information to file? My boss is telling me the government won’t believe that you are my dependent if I don’t know what your social is, and they really won’t believe me if you’re the same age as me and own an illegal business. Not passing a judgment, I remember that time the crystal ball said that if I didn’t stop being so judge-y your brother would come over from Siberia and set me straight.Amazing that you were able to see that in the future, and also amazing that humans can grow to be eight feet tall and so angry!

Next, about the deductions we discussed. I’ve checked with several tax professionals, and apparently being a Leo does not qualify me for a $2,000 deduction.Of course, I fought back with the fiery independence that is a trademark of us Leos (high five!), but he insisted that this isn’t a thing that exists, especially becauseI am a cusp sign. Ugh, Virgos, right? Same goes for the deductions we discussed for shotgun marriages, being a loyal defender of human-animal sexual relations and self-publishing an e-book.

Quick sidebar– is there any word from the runes about what’s going to happen between Brian and I?I’ve been thinking about downloading dating apps again, but maybe it’s like you said and we’re going to get married if I sign up for six weeks of additional psychic readings. Fingers crossed!!!

Finally, a note on the green card marriage you insisted we get on that wharf last weekend. In order for the government to believe we’re married, I need to have a reliable address for you. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say this is the “major dupe”you saw in my future on the phone last week, haha! On an unrelated note, four thousand dollars just disappeared from my bank account this week (weird!) soI’m really gonna need that tax return!

Love you, Luann,hope it didn’t take you six hours to read this letter like last time because I can’t afford it.

Sincerely,
Jamie

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