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December 05, 2016

Landlords are bastards.

Williamsburg landlords agree to swim commuters across the east river when L line closes.

Following the announcement of the impending closure of the L train in 2019, some shrewd landlords have announced their plan to combat the possible desertion of commuters. Each landlord has been worried sick about the future of rent prices in the northern part of the trendiest place In the city that never sleeps. Due to a hurricane damaging the tube it is set to be closed for 18 months. Local tenants fear an increased commute journey to 3 times the current rate will have detrimental effects on the locality.
Fears are beginning to grow about a total reversal of gentrification and the return to the ‘old ways’ that these landlords simply couldn’t handle. Landlords have agreed to be part of task force “wet duck” which will see over 1000 men and women take to water. Landlords from each building agree to be responsible for their tenants. Collecting them from their apartment block taking them to the North Williamsburg ferry terminal and pull then across the river in small rowing boats, towing them to work.
They have agreed not to talk much to their tenants while swimming which is to be expected and in-keeping with the current situation. Landlords aren’t too worried about the issue of themselves drowning. Due to the pollution of the East River they expect the first three legged, three lunged gilled fish/man to be evolved fully by month 5. Everyone is very happy with the news considering pollution has only been a bad thing up till now. The only downside to the new mutant landlords will be an inability to understand when there is an issue with an apartment that requires immediate attention, then again, some consider that part of a usual contract.