Oh my God what a terrible weekend, my life’s ruined, and I don’t think I can go on, baby!

After the first two rounds of the NCAA Tournament and all the Awesomely Outrageous Upsets and Cinderella Slam Jams, my bracket is busted and I’m sick as shit about it, baby! I hate it, baby! Mother fucking, fucking shit, baby! Dammit.

I know, I know, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT either! I’m Dick Vitale! The most famous college basketball broadcaster of all time and a relentlessly excited and positive lovable old man being upset about something. It’s weird! But I get really upset sometimes too, baby! I’m human just like all the rest of you. If you cut me I bleed, baby! If you slap me it stings, baby! If you trip me I fall, whoopsie doo, flop-a-roo, baby!

Baby!

Bottom line: I need a space to vent my negative thoughts and this is that space and I have a lot of negative thoughts right now.

It all started with Michigan State and the Almighty Midas of March, Tom Izzo, losing to the Uber Underdogs from Middle Tennessee St. who were, don’t get me wrong, Awesome with a capital ‘A’!

But they fucked me.

I had Michigan St. in the finals, America! Michigan State! The ultimate PTPer’s! They’re the All-Rolls-Roycers of the past decade! They’re my stew in the pot, baby!

And they boned me hard.

Next, the Diaper Dandies of Stephen F. Austin took out Huggy-Bear himself, Coach Huggins and the Mountaineers of West Virginia. I had West Virginia as a lock in the Final Four but SFA’s defense was unstoppable, impregnable, UN-BE-LIEVABLE!

And that’s when the darkness began to spread, baby. It flowed through my blood, begging, pressing to be unleashed, to be vented into the universe even though I knew it was a breed of negativity not meant for this world, baby. It would hurt others. And Dick Vitale is not about that.

So I kept my chin up, baby!

I knew if other things fell just right, I was still in Prime Time Position to win this bracket and retrieve my status as America’s number one College Hoops, Alley-Oop, Scoop-A-Doop, Slamma Jamma Expert-O-Rama, baby!

But the darkness was spreading from above me and below by then, baby. I thought I had rid myself of its vile darkness, reasoned my way out of irrational hatred for young men trying their best out on the basketball court. I tried to convince myself this was all a game and meant for fun, not the life or death violent pangs vibrating through my very soul with every sloppy pass and every clanged jumper.

I needed someone to talk sense into me, so I called my man: the King of Cameron, the Dolly of Durham, my good friend and leader of the Duke Blue Devils, Coach K himself. He answered the phone and I told him in simple terms:

“I’m gonna do it, baby. I’m gonna quit it all, leave my family, and start a new life, baby. A new life without all this bullshit unbearable pressure, baby. Don’t talk me out of it, I’m gassing up my car now! I’ll be in Tucson by sunrise and over the border by lunchtime, baby, you can’t stop me.”

All I heard from the other end was a sigh.

So I did it, I drove through Arizona and now I’m in Mexico, baby! College basketball doesn’t exist here! I’m free to act however I want, baby! I don’t have to live up to some insane, red faced, caricatured personality here in Mexico City!

So farewell college basketball world, I’m excited to start my new life starting right now. I am Richard Vitale, chillest motherfucker you’ll ever meet.

Advertisement
Advertisement