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May 10, 2018

1) Always avoid going inside and also outside

While sometimes scary, horror movies are full of teachable moments to help us survive life. Below is a list of some practical things I’ve learned from watching them over the years.

Things I’ve learned from horror movies:

-Don’t ever go to a cabin

-Absolutely no road trips

-NEVER go upstairs

-Or downstairs

-Avoid going inside & also outside

-Leave old, dusty books alone

-Reading only leads to reciting weird spells (can’t stress this enough)

-Don’t have too many friends

-Actually, don’t have any friends at all

-Only be friends with animals

-But don’t be too friendly

-Anything you grow close to will inevitably die

-Also, no breathing. Ever.

-And never move houses

-If you have to move, just live in a tent forever

-That’s your life now, people call you the “tent person”

-Always leave your car running

-Check the back seats before driving away

-And check the trunk

-Also, take a look under the car

-All clear? Good.

-Now buy a completely new car (it’s not worth the risk)

-Now burn that car

-Then drive it into a lake

-Um, what are you doing?!

-That’s exactly what the monster wants you to do

-It’s a lake creature, this was a test

-You’re so predicable

-Did you notice “predictable” was spelled wrong there?

-Come on, you need to be ready for anything

-Have you ever even seen a horror movie?

-You’ve seen House of Wax 6 times? Why?

-Finally, remember: once it gets dark out it’s too late

-That’s why you need to go to Alaska ASAP

-Need that fucking sunlight bro

-Can’t afford an airplane ticket?

-OK it was nice knowing you

-Don’t worry though, there’s always a shitty sequel