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August 07, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Newsweek ranked Penn State as the No. 2 party school. So be careful, West Virginia, they're right behind you.

Curiosity, NASA's rover, successfully landed on Mars last night. Because as anyone at NASA will tell you, America is no place for Curiosity.

The rover will spend the next two years alone exploring an inhospitable landscape searching for signs of life. Or as Obama calls it, one half of his term.

In New York, authorities say they'll begin cracking down on Ground Zero construction workers who drink during the day. Because what possible reason could you need to be drunk while working at Ground Zero?

After just two months in his new position, Syria's prime minister appears to have defected. In response, Syria is pleased to announce its new prime minister, a chunk of concrete chained to a table.

The man suspected of shooting several people at a Sikh temple in Wisconsin was a member of a white power band. Psychologists say it was only a matter of time before he snapped from having had such a small penis.

In related news, the FBI says it will investigate the shooting as an act of "domestic terrorism." A decision they didn't arrive at easily considering how not brown the killer was.

A man who has been appearing outside the "Today" show's studios for two decades has been seen around "Good Morning America." And he keeps trying to predict the weather.

Actress Amanda Bynes is being accused of a hit-and-run, her fourth this year. Just six more and she'll finally get offered Lindsay Lohan-type roles.

Jamaica's Usain Bolt broke the Olympic record for the fastest 100-meter sprint. Just a little faster and he'll beat the world record holder, Death.

A memo obtained from the NYPD suggests they are enforcing unposted rules at Zuccotti Park, the birthplace of the Occupy movement. Though posting rules seems unnecessary if you're just gonna get pepper sprayed anyhow.

Texas is set to execute a man labeled "mentally retarded" on Tuesday. The sad thing is, George Bush doesn't even seem like he knows he did something wrong.