We all will face the hard times of living with a crazy roommate at some point in our lives. Maybe it’s somebody who gets on your nerves, or somebody who has ridiculous habits. It might even be somebody obnoxiously loud, who speaks in a Mickey Mouse voice constantly and screams at every single game on television no matter what the sport is.
Oddly enough, I live with somebody exactly like that. It’s quite an experience, you know, waking up every day and peering over at that same psychotic person sleeping in nothing but a leopard-print thong and rain boots. The rain boot part is actually fiction, but it TOTALLY completes the visualization, does it not? Think about it for a sec: A husky, hairy fellow cuddled up on his Cheeto dust-stained mattress, wearing nothing but a tiny, leopard-print thong and polka-dot rain boots. Arguably one of the most preposterous outfit selections I ever did hear.
Okay, this is an extreme example of a crazy roommate, but there is a high likelihood you have lived with, or will someday live with a nutcase. I use the term “nutcase” loosely because I am in no way implying that people actually get stuck with folks who smear feces on the walls and talk to ghosts.
Regardless of the craziness level, you will have to be prepared to live and put up with this jabroni. Every little thing about them is going to irritate you to the fullest level. The mere sight of them is going put you in the mood for a murderous rampage! You are going to NEED some serious training tips in order to survive this living experience. You’re probably curious as to where you can get the most elite training tips, right? Well, since I’m here I guess I’ll enlighten you, ya bunch of sorry amateurs.
Tip 1: Showing them Who’s Boss
You don’t want to constantly deal with this person’s bull crap. You have to intimidate them and give the idea that you’re not tolerating it. Buy a gun. Don’t use it. Don’t even waste your money on bullets. When your hipster, artsy roommate whips out their kazoo,just pull that handgun out of your desk drawer and point it at their forehead! Mutter something like, “That’s the end of this nonsense, Pansy Boy!” The gun will show him you mean business and the phrase “pansy boy” gives an impression that you’re a bad-ass old man who fought in Nam.
Tip 2: Developing a Friendship
Befriending this weirdo is essential. In the event that they drive you over the edge; forcing you to brutally murder them with a chainsaw, it will be much better for you that you were perceived as a friend of theirs. Nobody ever suspects a close friend as the murderer in a case. If Corey Matthews was sexually abused and murdered, do you think anybody would even CONSIDER Sean Hunter as a suspect? NO! Even though we all know that Sean definitely unleashed his inner affections through brute force after the tapings.
Tip 3: Vandalizing Their Property
Crazy Carrie is gettin’ on your last nerve. You want revenge, but also want a good laugh. Why not destroy and defile all of their possessions. That stupid 98 Degrees poster needs to go anyway. Urinate on it! Spray some canola cooking oil on their pillow! Take the wheels off their swivel chair and replace them with hamsters! That one’s a favorite recommendation of mine. Your roommate will either notice before sitting and be puzzled, or sit down and accidentally kill them. They’ll probably feel so awful that they’ll drop out! Sweet!
Tip 4: Most Important!!!
You’re going to want to keep this one in mind, folks. Every night while this person is sleeping you must put a sticky note on their forehead. What you write varies based on the ethnicity of your roommate. Try something like, “Your existence is a waste,” or “Go Home, Foreigner!” Make sure to be really mean and hateful so you can truly get the message across.
Now you are fully prepared to live with a crazy person. Keep these tips in mind and you will definitely make this person a pleasure to live with. And you will definitely NOT get arrested. You’ll probably be really cool. You might even be the talk of the town. Either way, that nutjob’s shenanigans will be at a minimum. Your Welcome!
Mike Gursky -@gurskyman