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March 20, 2014

We all know who the Cinderella's could be in the NCAA tourney, but who are the Beasts, Hunchbacks, and Baloos?

We all know how Cinderella teams in the NCAA tournament can win the hearts of the whole country as they defeat teams that have more money, more talent, and more handsome basketball players. But what are the other potential story lines in this year's tourney?

Cinderella Story
A prince falls for a woman who pretty much wears sacks and talks to animals, and now she's on top, and no one saw that coming.

Likely Candidate: North Dakota State
A small school from a state all the other states make clean up their shit. If the Bison win it all, an animal that was nearly extinct to win the National Championship would spell the greatest Cinderella story in all of known history. They’re going to start calling them Bison stories.


Beauty and the Beast Story
A beast forces a woman to live in his mansion. She falls for him, and after a struggle they hook up, and he turns back into a real beautiful man.

Likely Candidate: Stephen F. Austin
They’re the Lumberjacks, a bunch of beasts. If things go right and they are able to take down Gaston (Duke), and they kiss that trophy at the end, they’re bound to finally change back into beautiful men.


The Jungle Book Story
A bear raises a little boy in the jungle and an evil "tiger" (Duke?) tries to eat him.

Likely Candidate: New Mexico State
They have a 7’5” center, Sim Bhullar, a regular Baloo. But can they scratch their backs on trees and float down a river all the way to seeing Mowgli go hang out with pretty girls? Whether or not that requires winning the championship is anyone's guess.


Hunchback of Notre Dame Story
An ugly freak who lives in a big church seeks to be accepted by non-ugly freaks. 

Likely Candidate: Western Michigan
Can this team of hunchbacked uglies be accepted by a society of their peers, or must they continue to hide away up in the rafters of Western Michigan? Do they talk to singing gargoyles? Will Western Michigan mark the beginning of the end of Disney's Golden Age of Animation?


Princess and the Frog Story
A Princess from Louisiana is turned into a frog or something.

Likely Candidate: Louisiana-Lafayette
This team is from Louisiana. If I go any farther it could get racist, because that’s what I hear happened with the movie. Best of luck.


Dumbo Story
An underdog is ridiculed for its abnormally large ears upon joining the "circus" (the tournament) and must overcome taunts and fly to the top.  

Likely Candidate: Delaware
Can this freak of a little state grow some ears and take down Michigan State, the adult elephant in the room? Also, for this team to be a true Dumbo story, the whole team's going to have to play a game so drunk that they are hallucinating tiny pink basketball players, so fingers crossed.


Sword and the Stone Story
A runt of an orphan named Arthur, under the tutelage of a wizard, discovers that he is the only person able to pull the sword from the stone, making him the one true king. At some point he turns into a fish and a squirrel.

Likely Candidate: Manhattan
Can a bunch of Arthurs listen to their Merlin (coach Steve Masiello) and pull the sword out of the stone (win a championship)? This one's actually pretty much a Cinderella story but with a guy, if you think about it. Also, can these players finally turn into squirrels?


101 Dalmatians Story
A bunch of dalmatian puppies are stolen by Cruella Deville and some older dogs save them.

Likely Candidate: Wofford
They’re called the Terriers, so they’re a bunch of pups, and they’ve been kidnapped (by the idea of winning, maybe?). Can they win the championship before a shrill anorexic smoker skins them for their hides? Jesus, that movie is so messed up if you think about it.