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August 18, 2016
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Important Post-Olympic Regulatory Information

Attention: An official reminder that this is the last week you may mention the sport of gymnastics until the year 2020.

After this week, there will once again be a four-year federal ban on acknowledging the sport. We apologize for any inconvenience, but we are confident you will successfully transition to other topics for water cooler banter and social media musings. And please don’t be afraid to return to avoiding conversation completely with certain co-workers and neighbors during the upcoming extended hiatus between the Olympics and the return of Game of Thrones. They will understand, and, honestly, you will both appreciate not inadvertently uncovering the horrible truth about each other’s political views.

Please be aware this ban includes, but is not limited to, referencing the uneven bars, a double layout with a half-twist, that one time the girl in the cast got carried by the big European mustache guy, or that other time the other girl made the “not impressed” face.

We appreciate your several days of support for this strange and mesmerizing competition and apologize that you never did quite figure out the scoring system or completely memorize all five or seven or so names of the American team members. Regardless, rest assured that, even though our gymnasts will be going back into their climate-controlled storage containers, their hearts will remain warmed by your support and temporary interest. Return to your regular re-runs of House Hunters and Shark Tank with your head held high.

Thank you for observance of this ban. Please follow this same outlet for future official announcements about this ban, as well as similar ones regarding soccer, horse racing, and pumpkin spice.

On a related note, the ban on mentioning Michael Phelps has now been lifted in certain cases, including reality show appearances and low-level drug offenses.

Thank you for your cooperation. And one last time, did you get to see any of the gymnastics this summer? Wow.

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