Hi everybody! It’s your favorite mascot, Mr. Met, here! I’m writing today to congratulate my team, the New York Mets, for being first place in the National League. You boys have worked hard, and you deserve a pat on the back. Way to go!
To be honest, though, that’s not the only reason I’m doing this. I’m also writing to beg the team to keep up the good work and win the World Series so that I may be relinquished from the eternal prison that is my existence through the sweet release of death.
Yes, that’s right folks, I am a prisoner in my own body. I’ll let you in on a little secret. When the Mets first entered Major League Baseball back on August 2nd, 1960, a lot of the owners didn’t want another New York–based team. But my mother, Joan Payson, was so desperate to own an MLB franchise in New York City that she made a pact with one of the Elder Gods, Azathoth. Azathoth agreed to give my mother what she so desperately wanted, her own baseball team, in exchange for the soul of her first-born son. That’s where I, America’s favorite mascot, come in to play.
Azathoth wanted my mother to carry in her womb the harbinger of doom, and bring him into this world. So I was born by my mother, Joan, in the image of the almighty Azathoth, as a prophet of the apocalypse. However, being a savvy business woman, my mother left in one caveat. If her team, the Mets, could win a World Series before the great ones awoke from their eternal seventh-inning stretch I would be freed from the terribly painful prison that is my life, and Earth would be spared the Elder God’s vengeance!
Now I don’t want to jinx you guys, but I really need this. I am in constant pain. Every time I close my eyes I see the flames of Azathoth scorching all life from this planet. And trust me when I tell you, the cleansing, immortal fires of Azathoth know not mercy. So for the love of humanity, all life on this Earth, and baseball, I say go Mets go!
I know this may sound like a lot of pressure, but don’t worry, boys, I believe you can do it! Especially if you, the Mets fans, are in the stands cheering ‘em on! Hopefully a lot of people read this and realize that this season it’s not just about healthy competition or America’s greatest past time; this year it’s about preventing Azathoth, The Blood-Mad God, from emerging through a temporal portal in Citi Field and bringing chaos and havoc unto our world. I would say that there is always next year, but if the Mets don’t win we won’t live to see it!