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3 Die Votes
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Published January 24, 2013

 

On a long drive to New Orleans, just as I was about to fall asleep at the wheel, I hit an extremely low-flying vulture.

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"Bring it, bitch."

            When I’m paying the least amount of attention to my surroundings is when my surroundings surprise me the most. At a friend’s birthday party, I stumbled into the wrong room while searching for the bathroom. Because I didn't listen to my friend’s mother when she told me where to go, I was bitten on the foot by my friend’s tarantula. Now, I don't really think there is a direct correlation between the elusive bathroom and the tarantula, but it would make sense if there was. I still couldn’t find that damn bathroom, so I ended up holding it the whole afternoon. Years later I suffered yet another shocking experience at yet another friend’s birthday party. This particular party was held at a farm near my hometown, and the party itself was held in a large warehouse behind the family’s actual house. I had just come from the bathroom when I was looking for the party, but I didn’t see the kind of party I was expecting when I turned the corner. As luck would have it, I got to witness an emergency cow birthing. After he pulled the slimy calf out and laid it on the ground, the ranch hand just looked at me and smiled: “Oh hey, the party moved outside.”

            I’m not completely sure if I blatantly disregard instructions, directions, or both, but I have a distinct feeling that this non-talent that I have can be useful. That was a joke. I’m expert-level oblivious, though that term is an oxymoron, thus making me an actual moron. My life has been filled with stubbed toes, a couple broken bones, and constant ridicule from friends and family. I’ve heard things like “Pick up your feet,” “Watch where you’re going,” and “Why do you have that lighter?” The problem is that I’m not even that curious. I just pick things up and play with them, without actually realizing what they are (an unplugged electric handsaw). I walk off in random directions, without actually thinking of where I’ll end up (an eventual crime scene). It just happens like life happens. Speaking of life, it presents most people with situations to embrace. For your humble narrator, life presents situations to trip over, like the time I stepped in a mop bucket at the mall and probably broke my wrist.

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Ideally, this aloof nature of mine provides me with a type of bliss that others might not be able to fully appreciate. I am always surprised at what life throws at me, making life highly entertaining. Most of the time I enjoy it, as long as it doesn’t hurt. Some people might say “Hey! You could get put in the hospital.” That is a true statement. However, drinking puts more people in the hospital. Drugs put more people in the hospital. Ex-wives put more people in the hospital, but I’m not lucky enough to have one of those yet. Though, rest assured, dear reader. In my ripe old age of twenty-one, I’ve gotten a lot better about paying attention to my surroundings. I probably haven’t tripped over my feet since two or more hours ago!

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Update: I just tripped over a tv remote and broke my roommate's Buddha statue with my face.

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