Full Credits

Stats & Data

July 24, 2017

It's not just Obamacare, kids!

1. Rihanna…on the Billboard Charts!
It seems like every time I blink that girl is back on top with another head-banging, catchy radio tune that goes straight to the top almost the instant it comes out! Give the rest of us a shot!

2. My little sister…on the freakin’ cellphone plan!
It’s like how many people can you even text at one time? She spends more time texting than she does actually breathing, blinking, or moving. I’d KILL for her thumb strength though…

3. Toll Booths…on my wallet!
Hey, I’m driving here! Why should I have to pay the crooked Highway and Roads departments of America my hard earned cash when all they’re gonna do is make me get stuck in traffic for a buck fifty??

4. Jim and Pam…on all of our hearts!
Need I even explain this one? For 9 years Jim and Pam gave us beautifully unrealistic ideas of what love should be and it ruined all of our hearts. They should be ASHAMED of themselves.

5. The Chicago Cubs…on the sanity of everyone from the windy city!
Ahhh, those Cubbies, they love breakin’ hearts, don’t they? For 108 years they held the hearts of everyone inChicago right in the palm of their sweaty, sausage eating hands and didn’t think twice about how it made anyone feel. Great job on the championship though I guess.

6. Expo markers…on classrooms all across America!
Those sweet-smelling crayon wanna be’s have been causing a ruckus in school rooms across the nation since their invention. They are the bane of existence for teachers and students are uncontrolled and untamed when they have them in their possession. Get back to the books, ya NERDS!

7. Me…in nerf basketball games against myself!
There’s an unlimited amount of times you can scream “KOBE!” and accidentally hit the ceiling in your bedroom while playing nerf basketball with Gucci Mane playing full blast on the stereo. But there’s only a limited amount of times that the family with the “newborn who needs to sleep” (yeah right) can get annoyed with you for it. Stay in your lane Karen and Jeremy!

8. My butthole…on the plumbing in my house!
Too much Wendy’s Baconators will eventually catch up to you, kids! Beware, those square patties aren’t here to play around.They mean business. Eat Panera.