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March 17, 2016
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It's St. Patrick's Day so our New York office started drinking at 9 a.m. and tried to do our jobs like normal. These are the results.

Today is the 2nd annual Funny Or Die NYC Drunk Day. This is what happened when we did it last year. We’re repeating the stupidity today.

We started drinking at 9 a.m. We’re pitching articles drunk, and then writing those drunk pitches even drunker. We have a few D.E.’s (designated editors) to make sure we don’t spill Guinness on our laptops or forget to actually upload the articles we’ve written to the site.

This is a real thing we’re doing. Here are the articles to prove it.

See below for both the self-imposed rules for today’s very important creative exercise and an ongoing update of how things actually went. Check back throughout the day.


THE RULES / PLAN FOR THE DAY

  • Rule 1. All writers must arrive at the office by 9:45 a.m.; first shots of Jameson taken by all at 10 a.m. sharp.
  • Rule 2. For one hour (10 a.m.–11 a.m.), writers must drink (Guinness encouraged as a chaser, but for maximum efficiency Bailey’s and coffee and/or Jameson neat is encouraged).
  • Rule 3. Pitches begin at 11 a.m. These must be drunk pitches. Drunk enough to make bad choices. Drunk enough that the little person inside your brain who normally censors you from saying a bad idea out loud is too busy peeing on a wall in broad daylight to stop you.
  • Rule 4. Writers must continue to drink during pitch meeting from 11 a.m.–11:59 a.m.
  • Rule 5a. Writing of articles begins at noon. Writers must continue to drink as they write. By 1:00 p.m., all writers must be drunk enough that they no longer want to participate in this exercise and instead just want to watch nature videos of lions fighting wildebeests and/or take a nap under the desk in the conference room and/or go home. But, importantly, they must not do these things but rather keep writing.
  • Rule 5b. Writers should also be drinking water throughout the day. Practice safe drinking, friends. Alternate one unit of alcohol with one unit of water.
  • Rule 5c. Writers should do a whippet or two throughout the day if they feel so inspired. Whippets for recreational purposes are legal in some states and we’re pretty sure that New York is one of them!
  • Rule 6. Starting at 2 p.m., the D.E. (designated editors) will begin to post articles as they are completed. D.E.s must also encourage continued drinking throughout the day. We could also think of D.E. standing for “designated enablers.”
  • Rule 7. Starting at 3 p.m., if writers have not finished an article yet, they will be required to take a shot of Jameson.
  • Rule 8. Starting at 4 p.m., if writers have not finished an article yet, they will be required to shotgun a Guinness.
  • Rule 9. Starting at 5 p.m., if writers have not finished an article yet, they will be required to take a sip of the old bottle of V8 juice in the back of our fridge that we forgot we had.
  • Rule 10. At 6 p.m., we’ll take a look at what we’ve done and realize that this was a horrible, horrible idea.

HOW THE DAY ACTUALLY WENT:

9:45 a.m. People are late. Only three of the seventeen people in our NYC office are on time.

9:57 a.m. Art Director Nate Maggio sends an email asking where people are.

10:20 a.m. Most people have trickled in by now, only 35 minutes late! The drinking begins!

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10:24 a.m. Jason Flowers plays a song called “Irish” by the band Tonic. People debate if Jason gets to control the music for the whole day or not.

10:47 a.m. Jenny and Kady Ruth make Bloody Marys for everyone.

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Kady Ruth is doing a fake smile and Jenny is doing a real smile.

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“Jenny’s tights are legit.” - Nate Maggio, Art Director

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The Bloody Mary team left a mess.

11:00 a.m. The pitch meeting is supposed to be starting but people are distracted watching Nolan Ryan vs Robin Ventura baseball fights.

11:24 a.m. Josh and Zack decide the pitch meeting cannot start until we have ice for the cooler. Josh and Zack leave, announcing “We’re going to the ice store! We’ll be right back, we promise we’ll be back by 11:30!”

11:36 a.m. Josh and Zack return with ice.

11:37 a.m. Producer Rob turns the music down. We were playing Dropkick Murphy’s very loudly. Managing editor Dan doesn’t mind. Dan says to Designated Editor Nate “All this shit sounds the same.”

11:38 a.m. Zack announces it is time for the pitch meeting to start!

11:44 a.m. After six minutes, we have all moved from the office into the conference room and sat down. Zack shouts, “Alright alright alright! What do you got?” and the pitches begin.

12:27 p.m. Pitch meeting comes to a close. This is what was pitched:

  • Jason: Everyone Draws Hand Leprechauns
  • Dan: arvida sabonis facts
  • Dan Wish arvida sabonis was my Dad
  • Dan: I want to be arvida sabonis as a dad
  • Zack: Get a drunk haircut from Jenny
  • Zack: I hang meat up outside (To catch birds)
  • -clothesline
  • -Kr: No drunk people on the balcony!
  • -Dan: Nice quality cuts!
  • -Ben: Chunks of ground meat, a full meatloaf
  • Zack: All these things are beautiful (list of things zack genuinely loves)
  • Zack: Make nora a cardboard doghouse
  • Zack: All the things I love about ants
  • Jenny: 200 drunk pictures I took at the dog park
  • KR: I give everyone irish dancing curls (kyle and dan’s hair is too short)
  • -Ben: I’m in!
  • Dan: I meeting a doula later
  • -Submit questions for Dan to ask his doula
  • Dan: Baby will be delivered at NYU
  • -Zack: Undergrads? Are undergrads delivering?
  • KR: Undergrads at the hospital looked at me in stirrups!
  • Ben: Doctors should have to look 40 or I won’t feel comfortable!
  • Zack: You ever seen a live water birth?
  • -KR: There’s a bar downtown that does live water births! (A joke)
  • Zack: Babies swim out of the pool on their own!
  • Jason: I’ve seen videos of babies getting tossed into the pool (This set everyone off)
  • -Ben WHAT!?
  • Dan: I think I’m going to pass out during my wife’s childbirth
  • [At this point we watch a video of a baby swimming on its own, then floating on its back for five minutes[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0mUPr68x2U](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0mUPr68x2U)]
  • Zack: Can we watch mockingjay part two?
  • Maggio: My pitch is showing zack a video of a sloth that looks like moss
  • Ben: I think sloths look gross. I think that’s a weird thing about me. I think they look slimy, plastic, and gross. Most people don’t agree.
  • Jason: Gimme a baby drowning video any day of the week
  • Maggio: Where’s the broom? [maggio must have broken something]
  • Jason: If Your Favorite Celebs Were Irish
  • -Kardashian with green censor bars
  • Jason: A Cloverfield Mashup with more clovers
  • KR: I want to make a music video for Motion Animal
  • -Ben: If you like Crash, check out Detroit Cobras [KR did not care for Ben’s recommendation]
  • KR: Let’s due a total Face Swap of everyone in the office
  • Ben: I want to go to Penn station drunk, just check it out
  • -Dan: I’m in. They’ve got a planet smoothie
  • KR: A pitch: Teach zack how to read [this is a burn]
  • Ben: Another Pitch: Dashboard Confessional And Taking Back Sunday are playing in Long Island, $60 a pop - My article would be about my misgivings about this decision. Ultimately, I know I’m going to do this
  • Maggio: Emo music is Jason’s worst nightmare [Jason is a huge music fan / tastemaker]
  • Dan: Put on Decade Under The Influence!
  • KR: Guess Everyone’s First Kiss
  • Nate Maggio: My first kiss was Katie Ireland
  • Zack: My first kiss was aa stage kiss in as you like it
  • KR: My first kiss reminds me of that song A Damn Cold Night by Avril Lavigne
  • Ben: Avril Lavigne was a very important figure in the early 2000s!
  • -Zack: I hated Avril Lavigne
  • -Zack: Hate that hello kitty song…
  • Dan: That Nickelback signer is a terrible musician, genius businessman
  • Ben: “Nickelback sucks” is such a tired punchline
  • [Here, Jason mispronounced cliche, everyone made fun of him]
  • Ben: Music is to have fun!
  • Zack: You SHOULD hate bad music!
  • [Huge fight started between ben, zack, and jason about whether or not they should tolerate bad music that other people like]
  • Dan: Nickelback inspired more bad music
  • Zack: Let’s go back to actual pitches!
  • Jenny: A joke round up of old jokes, retired punchlines
  • -Nickelback
  • -Nicolas Cage
  • Dan: Nickelback: Not So Bad!
  • Dan: A Whole Nickelback Series
  • Zack: Nickelback put us back!
  • Ben: Nickelback propelled us forward!
  • -Jason: WHAT!??
  • Ben: Nickelback divided the world into people who like good music and people who like terrible music
  • Dan: Nickelback lead to The Strokes
  • -Zack: What!?
  • Maggio: This should be an article
  • [Zack Really is getting upset here about Ben defending Nickelback]
  • KR: OC Pitch: Everyone is either a Ryan or a Seth
  • KR: I want to do a cartoon series of people with different types of hats
  • Maggio: I’m taking photos all day. Who wants to dress up as a dandy? [dandy = upperclass englishman]
  • Ben: The New non-chronological Twitter feed is bullshit!!
  • Ben: My final pitch is that Hood Clips is the best page on the web!
  • -KR: That’s an instagram account, not a page
  • Zack: Do a Hood Clips Round up
  • KR: A shoutout to this random tumblr account I follow.
  • [People are really just yelling at this point. It’s getting really hard to hear pitches]
  • Jenny: Everyone lists a time they barfed after drinking
  • Zack: (pointing to the apple TV screensaver of a coast) I’ve been there!!
  • Ben: Please vote privately if wearing a ponytail is obnoxious for me
  • [People are just shouting]
  • KR: Start a new FOD NY instagram account
  • [Drunk people start yelling at me demanding lunch]
  • Jason: Can we work on keeping the volume down?
  • [Maggio threw a cork at Jason at this point. Threw it pretty hard]
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Pitch meeting with a sloth. Are we watching the sloth or is the sloth watching us, you know?

12:36 p.m. Drunk writers begin their drunk writing.

1:13 p.m. Writers hard at work:

1:16 p.m. Managing Editor Dan finishes the first article of the day: “What Should I ask the Doula I’m Meeting With TOnight

From the article:
“It’s our first kid — I HOPE IT IS A MALE CHILD BUT WHO KNOWS WE’RE LOOKING AT A 50/50 SITCH HERE — so while we’re planning as much as we can, we (me) really don’t know what we’re doing. enter… a doula The problem is that I have no idea what do ask a Doula when we meet with her later tonight. So like any good expecting parent, i asked a room full of comedy writers to tell me what to ask her.”

1:46 p.m. Article #2 comes in from writer Jenny Nelson: Everyone In The FOD New York Office Shares Their Most Memorable Drinking Barf

From the article:
“JENNY:
The first time I ever barfed from alcohol consumption was when I was a sophomore in college. I had drank a bunch of bubble tea earlier (some background: My friends and I drank a lot of bubble tea in college, like several times a week??? Sometimes I skipped class to drink bubble tea) and then went to a gala thing for my internship where I got a lot of free screwdrivers, which I drank quickly like they were orange juice, and then when I got home I hurled a lot but my roommate Johanna who was babysitting my hurls told me that my barf had a lot of tiny boba balls in it and that it was cute, which basically taught me that there are no consequences to drinking to excess, because my boba barf is way cute.”

2:15 p.m. Playing smooth jazz and people are feeling sleepy.

2:20 p.m. Burgers arrive from Uncle Sam’s. Morale is boosted.

2:26 p.m. Article #3: I Drew People’s First Kisses

From the article:

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2:32 p.m. Article #4: Why Sports Are Great

From the article:
“Really, all things that we like are embarrassing when we think about them because human experience is so arbitrary. What I love about sports is that it has, SEEMINGLY, gotten rid of the scripted-NESS of entertainment, and it is real, honest to goodness, competition. It’s one person/team vs. another person/team and that is pure and, as far as you can throw it, HONEST. I love it!”

2:39 p.m. Article #5: Hi, here is the NY office against a wood panel background we had setup from the Castro shoot last night

From the article:

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2:55 p.m. Article #6: 7 Sexy Kim Kardashian Photos If She Were Irish

From the article:

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2:56 p.m. People decide to take Nora to the dog park. Nora is a dog. See if you can spot where we’ve hidden her in this photo:

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3:16 p.m. Senior writer Zack Poitras is sidetracked by a Wikipedia article about Ants.

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3:36 p.m. Article #7: “Nickelback: Maybe Not So Bad?

From the article:

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3:56 p.m. Article #8: “23 Drunk Opinions I’m Dealing With Right Now

From the article:
1. There’s Just Too Much Netflix
2. I’ve About Had It Up To Here With Donald Trump
3. Yes, Tacos Are Technically A Sandwich

4:05 p.m. Article #9: “Article About Ants By A Drunk Guy

From the article:
“Here’s all the reasons I love ants (by the way I’m not just looking up facts - this shit is from memory). ADDENDUM - I wikipediaed Ants.

1. Some
2. Ants can suss out bullshit.
2. Ants build incredible structures. Ants have built the Grand Canyon, the Statue of Liberty, and the Golden Gate Bridge.
3. Ants build fucking air tunnels to deal with the poisonous mold they are growing in their colony.
4. Ants”

4:10 p.m. Article #10: “42 Pics I Took While Drunk During Our Office Dog’s Trip To The Dog Park

From the article:

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4:23 p.m. Article #11: “In This World You Are Either A Ryan Or A Seth And I Am A Ryan

From the article:

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4:31 p.m. Article #12: “I took a bunch of pictures of people working around the office with a massive telephoto lens without them knowing

From the article:

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4:51 p.m. Article #13: A Drunk Writer Gave Another Drunk Writer A Haircut

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During

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After

5:01 p.m. We take a break to play Quiplash.

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5:44 p.m. Article #14: “Real Quick, Can Someone Check If My Earlier Post Went #Viral Yet?

From the article: “Oh, are we getting meta now?”

6:23 p.m. Entire office is debating if Abraham Lincoln was the greatest American or not. Office is divided.

6:40 p.m. Article #15: “Should I Buy Dashboard Confessional Tickets? Yes.

From the article: “Yes.”

7:04 p.m. We ordered pizza. Pizza tastes great.

7:16 p.m. People are napping on the couches. I hereby declare Drunk Day 2016 over. Now time to leave the office and go drink other places.


Thanks for checking in! That was a fun one. Be safe and have fun out there!

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