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July 05, 2017
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People who think that cellphone videos of fireworks are shit are fucking know-nothing assholes.

Some fucking people give other people shit for taking videos of fireworks on their cellphones. But those fucking people are fucking know-nothing assholes because cellphone videos of fireworks fucking rock and are way fucking better than watching fireworks in person.

Don’t fucking believe me? Well, as you may have fucking noticed, yesterday was the fucking Fourth of July, so I spent all day on YouTube looking for the very best fucking cellphone videos of this year’s fireworks to prove you fucking wrong.

Check this fucking shit out.


#1. This phone video of fucking awesome fireworks I found

REVIEW: Hell fucking yeah! This is what I’m fucking talking about! A cellphone video of fireworks that starts right at the fucking finale!

This vid spares you all the fucking bullshit that usually leads up to the fucking finale. No packing a bunch of beer into a fucking cooler. No lugging that fucking cooler out into the middle of a fucking field. No getting told that you’re not allowed to drink beer in that fucking field by a fucking cop on a fucking horse. No walking back and forth to the fucking parking lot to shotgun beer in the fucking trunk of your fucking car like a fucking animal. No sitting through a bunch of fucking weak-ass whizzers and fizzers. No getting arrested by a fucking cop on a fucking horse for trying to start a “Fucking Fizzers Fucking Suck” chant.

This vid just cuts straight to the part where the pyrotechnician decides to spark up whatever shit he’s got left in his truck all at once because he’s fucking tired and he want to fucking leave!

RATING: Fucking 8 out of Fucking 10, baby! (Get your fucking watermark out of the fucking corner. You’re blocking the fucking fireworks.)


#2. This other phone video I found of fucking awesome fireworks

REVIEW: Hell fucking yeah! This is what I’m fucking talking about! A cellphone video of fireworks with fucking narration!
Too fucking often I see violent bursts of light and color in the night sky and I don’t what to fucking think or feel. Sometimes I see a fucking firework go off and think “Am I fucking hungry?” Other times I just kinda feel fucking jealous, but I know that’s not fucking right either.

Thanks to this cellphone video of fireworks, I don’t have that fucking problem anymore. The guy shooting the video acts as my guide through the often confusing experience of looking at fireworks. His stream of commentary lets me know that I am supposed to feel “wow.” He tell me that I’m supposed to think “nice.”

RATING: Fucking 7 out of Fucking 10, baby! (Too far away. Get that cellphone closer to the fucking fireworks.)


#3. This other phone video I found of awesome fireworks that also fucking rules

REVIEW: Hell fucking yeah! This is what I’m fucking talking about! A cellphone video of fireworks shot from a fucking drone!
Even though fireworks happen in the fucking sky, we’re usually stuck watching them from the dumb fucking ground. Well, if you thought fireworks were beautiful as they burst overhead, just wait until you see them at eye-fucking-level, under-fuckning-neath, a-fucking-bove. Tired of knowing where the fuck the ground is when you look at fireworks? Then you gotta peep this fucking vid!

And get a load of that fucking opening shot! A 360 aerial view of a giant fucking America flag at fucking sunset? Sure, my man isn’t exactly a fucking pro with the drone controls yet, but that doesn’t stop him from going all Michael Fucking Bay on this shit.

Plus this fucking cellphone vid of fucking fireworks has got a fucking soundtrack! I know some people might give my man shit for opening with “Born in USA” because Springsteen says it’s about getting killed in Vietnam and having no job, but if Bruce didn’t want it to be used as the background music in a cellphone video of fireworks shot by a drone, he shouldn’t have made it rock so fucking hard.

RATING: Fucking 9 out of Fucking 10, baby! (Should have ended with the drone getting blasted by a fucking firework.)


#4. Oh hell yes another phone video I found of fucking awesome fireworks

REVIEW: Hell fucking yeah! This is what I’m fucking talking about! A cellphone video of fireworks with a bunch of drunk people screaming in the background!

I bet some of you fucking haters are probably thinking “I don’t like cellphone videos of fireworks because I want the full ‘experience’ of watching them with a crowd of my fucking dumbass friends.” Well this fucking cellphone video of fireworks has got you fucking covered.

This fucker kicks off with what sounds like some guy blabbing on about buying “seven hundred Straw-ber-ritas at Key Foods.” Then some other guy jumps in with the first fucking line (and I’m guessing the only line he knows) of ‘The Star Spangled Banner.’ Then someone else starts singing the first fucking line of the chorus (and I’m guessing the only line they know) of ‘God Bless the USA.’

You don’t need your fucking friends. This fucking cellphone video of fireworks is your friend.

RATING: Fucking 8 out of Fucking 10, baby! (Too short, needs more fucking fireworks.)


#5. Fuck yeah another fucking phone video I found of fucking awesome fireworks

REVIEW: Hell fucking yeah! This is what I’m fucking talking about! A cellphone video of fireworks that shows you what it must feel like to die!
This video initially receives high marks for trying to capture the entire fucking life span of each fucking firework by following them as they shoot up from ground and explode in the sky. But if you keep watching, you’ll discover something much more fucking profound…

Around the 0:40 mark, the fireworks go out of fucking focus and I thought I was about to fucking die. Like actually fucking die. Everything was fucking black. There were flashes of fucking beautiful light. All I could hear was a booming thunder coming down the heavens, like the voice of fucking God calling me home.

I used to fear death, but if it is half as fucking dope as this cellphone video of fireworks, then I’ll see you fuckers on the other side!

RATING: Fucking 10 out of Fucking 10, baby! (Do they have cellphone vids of fireworks in fucking Heaven? What about fucking Hell?)

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