Dear Shirley Phelps-Roper,
My name is Daniel Newell, and I have a request that might seem strange. If I die, is there any way that your organization could protest at my funeral? It would be an honor to me if you'd do so.
You might be thinking that I haven't done anything to deserve your and God's wrath. But I haven't died yet. So there's still time. I can pretend to be gay, or better yet, gayer, if that helps you hate me. And while I've never been in the military, I do have an extensive history with the Salvation Army ($5 for all the clothes you can cram in a paper bag? What a value!)
I'm sure you'll be able to find something that would warrant funereal protest on my website, thehumorjournal.com. I like to think it has something to offend everyone, from the most conservative Republican Senator, to the gayest closeted Republican Senator waiting for fun in a public restroom. Please, get to know me and then judge me harshly. Look inside your heart. See if there's a little hate left in there for me.
Or maybe you won't be able to find anything you disagree with on my site. I mean, we're not all that different. I'm white and self-righteous too! If so, then you could still come to my funeral just to protest my death. I'd do it if I could. I know if I was anyone else in the world, I would feel wronged by the loss of Daniel Newell. Dang it I would be such a great special guest speaker at my funeral. Sorry, off topic there.
For years I've dreamt of a closing ceremony with the kind of carnival atmosphere that you all bring. The signs, the sneers, the spitting. I get chills. If you could write back with a list of all the stuff you guys are against, I will work that list like a scavenger hunt. Did you hear about when I was donating inner-city abortions to interracial gay teens? Think about that. All I'm asking for is my 15 minutes of defamation. I know if I don't get to have protestors, I'll just die... without protestors. If you are unsure about whether or not you should protest my funeral, you should probably go ahead and protest. Better to be safe than sane.
You might not be able to protest my funeral in Missouri, due to recent legislation. So I'm willing to have my funeral in Kansas or Oklahoma, which ever is better for you.