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June 24, 2016
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Everything Americans need to know about the Brexit.

Everything you need to know about the Brexit.

What exactly happened?

Last night, Great Britain voted to leave the European Union, which carries severe implications for both the European and Global Economy. As it turns out, Europe is not single country–it’s a continent, with a bunch of little countries inside of it.

Hm. I like One Direction. They’re British, right? How is the Brexit like One D?

That’s actually a great question. England is kind of the Zayn Malik–they’re the first to leave the group and a lot of people are not sure that the E.U. can weather this storm. Much like the prospects for a successful Zayn Malik solo career, the possibility of England coming out of this unscathed is the fantastical, desperate hope of a complete moron. Before you know it, France is going to be cutting off its signature tresses and running around with Kendall Jenner. And we all know Spain can’t sing worth shit, so they’re screwed.

What’s the difference between England, Great Britain, and the United Kingdom?

Okay, this is actually quite simple–Great Britain is…okay, um. Well, the U.K. includes England and–actually, let me think about this a second. So, Scotland and Wales are different because they talk different there–actually, I don’t know if that’s right. Ireland is–whoa this is cray, I literally just looked it up and part of Ireland is actually part of the U.K.? That. Is. Wild. Okay. You know what. The U.K. is basically like…um. Pass?

What does the Queen think of all this?

This pretty much sums it up:

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Are Boris Johnson and Donald Trump in the middle of some type of Parent Trap operation right now that’s gone completely awry?

Possibly. Boris Johnson and Donald Trump are both NYC-born entitled, bloated blonde men who hate immigrants and are psychopaths. They may have hatched a harebrained plan to simultaneously raise to power and reunite the United States and Great Britain at long last. Presumably this will come to a head when their switcheroo is uncovered and the United States and Great Britain have to meet in the middle of the Atlantic only to discover that they still love each other.

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Can someone who studied abroad in London for a semester explain this to us?

“Oh my God I would love to. I totally loved it over there. The thing is it’s like so different ‘across the pond.’ Like, in England they call elevators ‘lifts.’ It so cute! And like, they really do drink tea every day. And like, their ketchup has vinegar in it. Like everywhere–even McDonald’s. But their accents are really sexy, so you definitely will hook up a ton.”

Who’s them dumb hicks now, England?

Am I right? I mean PHEW. Since the Iraq war, the U.S. has been the Screech in The Max of the world, but all that’s about to change. England, you act like you’re all fancy and smart with your crumpets and your queen and your nonexistent mass shootings. But who’s the big old redneck dumb-dumb now, ya racists? Enjoy the race-baiting xenophobic fear that led you to disastrous election results, cuz there’s no chance of that happening here.

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Be honest: is everybody screwed?

Probably.

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