I have been frisked, cuffed, detained and mounted for display. I’ve received verbal warnings, written citations and knowing glances. I’ve been told it’s a crime to lie to the police. I’ve lied to the police. I have been asked to throw my car keys out the window, to please step out of the vehicle, to spread my legs shoulder-width apart, to get down on my knees and put my hands behind my back, and to lay face down. A lot of that comes off sexy in the retelling.
I’ve been ticketed for “Sheep at Large”, for “Weeds too tall”, for going 41 in a 30 and for traffic sign collection. I have a collection of some 150 traffic signs, buried since 2008. When I was 16 I pulled an officer over as he was creeping along spotlighting the corrugated fence of a salvage yard. I motioned for him to roll his window down. Dan’l: “Everything alright here, sir?” He: “Yeah… uh, I got a call that someone was trespassing.” Dan’l: “Ok I was just checking. Take care sir.”
I have handed myself over to police custody for the thrill of it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9tBaBp7-bE&list=UUvpUgi7Y0qkije2_fbfga3A&index=43
I have never been arrested. I stole several pens from the police department.
I’ve been questioned for hanging out in a church parking lot with my father. I’ve bailed my dad out of jail and ratted on him numerous times. I’ve given the authorities tips on his whereabouts, his aliases and his known associates. I’m one of his known associates. I’ve told them so.
I have received 20+ traffic citations. My vehicle has been booted and I had the boot cut off with a blow torch by my father operating under the name Jeffrey Pennypacker. I have forged my car insurance cards for years. At least once I have asked a cop,“How much have YOU had to drink tonight?” when he pulled me over. Last fall a Lady Cop pulled me over in Republic, saying my tags looked fine, but when she ran them they came back expired. I had made these 2012 tags with colored copies of a friend’s license plate at Kinkos. The shecop and I agreed that the folks in Jefferson City polobably just hadn’t gotten around to sending my renewal through the system. Bureaucrats. In 2007 I lost my license for 6 months and had to drive on a hardship license. Some of the hardest driving I’ve ever done. I hate driving. I’ve been questioned from the passenger seat of a vehicle while the cop ignored the driver.
While working at a bar downtown I sexually harassed several of our regular male police officers. I coquettishly asked if I could see their nightsticks. I referred to each of them as “The cute one.” I asked if they were actually strippers, and told them they were hot enough.
I had a friend on the force pose as a D.A.R.E. officer when I was teaching theatre 101. I have driven right behind police cars for extended stretches. I unsuccessfully tried to convince an officer in Iowa that highway speed limits expire at 2am and are reinstated at 7am. I have tried to get several cops to search my backpack, having filled it with hilarious things. “How did that bust of me get in there? How embarrassing.”
I have eluded the police in a high-speed chase. I was riding dirty in some Corsicar of Rodgey’s, and passed a cop before turning onto my street. I have a now-spoken rule that I won’t be pulled over within a certain proximity of my house. The cop hit his lights, but even before I saw the cherries and blueberries I was nudgin’ close to 80 down my two-lane residential street. I’d ditched the car in my driveway and safely jumped the fence into my yard when the cop flew by. Some minutes later I saw him from my bedroom window, examining the car with a flashlight. For the next two weeks he waited in driveways along my road, and I would wave to him as I passed on bicycle.
I’ve watched Supertroopers several times and enjoyed it. I’ve referenced the show “Prison Break” at least 3 times when I’ve been pulled over.
While my father was hording illegal goats on the property and squad cars were in our driveway, I avoided going outside for an entire day, knowing I would probably get the goat citation. I’ve been caught in a lie by the police outside my home, feigned heat exhaustion and have gone inside for some tea. I have invited officers inside for some tea. I’ve never had tea inside my home. I don’t even drink tea.
I’ve left my information in case anything turns up. I’ve been held for questioning. I’ve had several sharp items on me.
I never thought about going into law enforcement. I briefly considered going into posing as law enforcement. All of this is true.