Published December 06, 2010 More Info »
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Published December 06, 2010

Between the invitations, food, drinks, and set-up, a party requires a lot of planning and preparation. And then there’s always this moment around an hour before guests arrive that you have this flash of fear: What if no one shows up? Just one of those silly human nature things, like when at a funeral and you imagine how people would be acting and what they would be saying if you were in the box.

And then from that first wave of guests until late in the evening, you’re on the hustle, taking guests’ coats, refilling the snack bowl, or cleaning up spills. With all the work and anxiety associated with planning a party, there’s barely any time for you to have fun. So how do you know if it’s all worth it and your guests had good time? Simple. The wilder the party, the more fun had by all. Following are ten ways to know you had a wild party.

10.   Your neighbors leave a newspaper open to the Real Estate classified section on your doorstep. Sure it’s a bit passive aggressive. If they have a problem, they should tell you to your face. But after all the people that rang their bell by mistake and the pumping bass that kept them up until 5:00 am, it’s probably safer for you they chose the indirect approach.


9.    The next morning on the way shuffling to the toilet you walk out of your slippers because they stick to the floor. Did you ever think about how much alcohol (and I hope it’s only alcohol) has to be spilled to create a consistent adhesive film across the entire floor? I’ve attended a lot of parties and whenever I spill something, I clean it up – at least with a wipe of the sock if nothing else. 


8.    Your sock drawer is next to the toilet because you ran out of toilet paper. Might have not been the best solution, but at the time it seemed a lot kinder than a stack of newspapers. At least you’ll have a good explanation why when doing laundry you have unmatched socks leftover. 


7.    The first phase of the cleanup requires a large push broom, a 50-gallon trash can, and a scoop shovel. You’ve lain in bed as long as you can to avoid evaluating the mess. But the pain of your hangover exceeds your need for rest. Time to put the anxious energy to good use. You work outside-in with the push broom and scoop the pile into the trash can with the shovel. Hopefully you need only one can. 


6.    Your cat won’t even stay in the same room with you for three days after the party. It seems the unconditional love you thought you had has some conditions. You’re not completely sure what happened, but your cat is and she isn’t ready to forgive you. Bribing her with tuna fish brings her to the doorway but once she realizes she will have to interact with you to get the goods, she does a 180 and with her tail in the air shows you the only eye she is willing to look at you with. 


5.    You wake up the day after and decide driving is probably not a good idea for at least 24 hours. Lying in bed the next morning, your first thought is, Hey, I don’t feel too bad. Then you realize you’re still drunk. You try doing the math: the time you stopped drinking plus one hour for every drink, but there’s far too much estimation. You decide to build your recovery on a responsible decision and ban yourself from driving until the next day. 


4.    Spackling holes in the walls and the use of power tools are required to get your place back to its pre-party condition. Mopping and cleaning cigarette butts out of your flower boxes are part of every party clean-up, but when your standing bar table comes out of the wall leaving two big holes in the dry wall, you know you’re having a special night. A little spackle, some sandpaper, a drill, and some new sinkers, and that table will live to party again. 


3.    You are forced to use CSI tactics to determine what really happened at the party. The last few hours of the party after winning the bet that you could make a good tasting drink with tequila, tomato soup, and chocolate milk are fuzzy. Don’t wait for the Facebook pictures to come out to know what happened. The true story of a party is told by what was left behind. Treat your place like a crime scene and work backward to fill in the blanks. 


2.    Even after you ran out of alcohol, people stayed until all the cough syrup was gone. At most parties when the alcohol is gone, guests are soon to follow. But at the real ragers, people don’t let a little thing like lack of alcohol stop them. Amazing the innovation and creativity that flows in times of desperation. Cough syrup and coke quickly becomes the house specialty.


1.    You wake up in bed wearing someone else’s underwear and holding a chewed-on watermelon rind in one hand and an empty shampoo bottle in the other.  Waking up one eye at a time, you’re happy to see familiar surroundings, telling you two things: one, your home is still standing, and two, you survived. But as full consciousness sets in, you notice each hand is clutching something. Lifting your arms reveals a chewed-on watermelon rind and an empty shampoo bottle. Thrusting forward and flinging the objects on the floor, you feel a little pinch around your waste and thighs. A look under the covers unveils a foreign pair of undergarments. Some mysteries are best left unsolved.