Hello, and welcome to the Madison Pool Snack Bar! We are thrilled that you have decided to spend your summer with us serving food to the community and quietly fuming that you were unable to find a better job. Please keep the following rules, regulations and information in mind to help ensure an enjoyable summer for employees and customers alike:
1. The snack bar opens at 11 a.m. every Monday through Friday. Please arrive on time. If you are late, politely explain to any irked parents that you are simply trying to teach their children how to handle disappointment since they are clearly not interested in doing this themselves.
2. All lifeguards are entitled to one free snack per day. In exchange, all snack bar employees are entitled to one free rescue per day. Make it count.
3. If a child asks you how much something costs, give them an honest answer. If they then try to pay in something other than U.S. currency, explain to them that this is not how money works, and write a letter to the mayor’s office encouraging greater investment in math and science at our town’s public schools.
4. Our official company hashtag is #snacksatmadison. It has never been used.
5. You are encouraged but not legally required to use the money in the “Tips for Tuition” jar for college tuition. That phrase was mainly chosen for alliterative purposes, as it sounds much catchier than the admittedly more honest phrase of “Tips for Mike’s Hard Lemonade and Chainsmokers tickets.”
6. Do not make eye contact with the one employee here who is much older than you. He has been through some stuff.
7. If a child purchasing a 25-cent lollipop hands you a $20 bill and then immediately walks away, you are encouraged to stop them and explain the concept of change rather than assume they have left you a tip of 7,900 percent.
8. The cute lifeguards are named Allison and Tyler. They may seem perfect for each other,but that’s just because you haven’t made your move yet.
9. If a customer becomes irate over the fact that we have run out of Snickers Ice Cream Bars, please refer them to the legal department. The legal department consists of our employee Jeff’s older brother, who is currently in his second year of law school at Villanova and has agreed to be on retainer for us in exchange for complimentary Snickers Ice Cream Bars.
10. Children who say they are allergic to peanuts probably just want attention.
11. Given that you are in charge of their candy supply, many of our younger customers will view you as a very knowledgeable and authoritative figure and may ask you non-food related questions. Common inquiries include when adult swim will be over, why they need to use the bathrooms when there is a perfectly good swimming pool right there,what type of rash they have, and why their parents are getting divorced. If and when this occurs, you are encouraged to give them free packs of Fun Dip until they go away.
12. You may experience lengthy waits between customers. If this happens, you are encouraged to either come up with a five-point plan to help the snack bar increase its brand awareness among our target demographic of children aged five to 13 or fantasize about Allison and/or Tyler while organizing the Airheads by color.
13. If you start feeling depressed about the lack of opportunities for advancement and the dearth of mental or physical stimulation at this job, keep in mind that even those people who have supposedly glamorous and interesting careers will ultimately be lost to the unyielding march of time just like everybody else. We all die and are forgotten eventually, regardless of whether we are snack bar employees or movie stars.
14. Above all, remember to have fun! Welcome aboard!