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The source of all evil?

An increasing number of misguided, overprotective moms and dads (let’s call them tossed-into-the-helicopter-blades parents) are refusing to vaccinate their children. This not only puts their own kids at risk, but everyone else’s as well. Some kids can’t get vaccinated for medical reasons. Some kids’ vaccines don’t take. They are all at risk of being crippled or killed, thanks to an irrational fear of shots full o’ autism.

Obviously these morons must be stopped. But how? What about this: Such dum dums believe that vaccinating their kids will give them autism or other mental disorders, even though there is no medical evidence for this. So let’s classify this irrational belief itself as a mental disorder.

It’s a perfect solution. Hey, moms and dads, are you more afraid that little Madison and Jayden will develop mental illness than fucking smallpox? Well, now that is a mental illness. Maybe that will scare you weird bad hippies.

This is not a joke. Well it is a joke, but we also think it might work. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (which is, in layman’s terms, The Big Book o’ Crazy) defines mental illness as:

“a clinically significant behavioral or psychological syndrome or pattern that occurs in an individual and that is associated with present distress (e.g., a painful symptom) or disability (i.e., impairment in one or more important areas of functioning) or with a significantly increased risk of suffering death, pain, disability, or an important loss of freedom. ”

Refusing to vaccinate your kids definitely meets all those criteria. Let’s take them one by one.

  • Clinically significant psychological syndrome? Putting us at risk of a needless pandemic seems pretty damn significant.
  • Impairment of functioning? I have never met a polio victim but I have read that being stuck in an iron lung does indeed impair functioning.
  • Significant risk of suffering death, pain, or disability? You bet your rubella. Of course, the risk is almost entirely to people other than the sufferer of this terrible disorder, but there are plenty of hale and hearty sociopaths out there too.
  • Also, it is straight up crazy.

We made a real petition that you can really sign

If you agree, please sign this petition at WhiteHouse.gov and ask President Obama to make Jenny McCarthy Syndrome By Proxy an official mental disorder. This way we can legally declare anti-vaxxers mentally incompetent and force them to get treatment, which will both save children’s lives and be hilariously ironic. Seriously, let’s do this. It wouldn’t be the first time Funny Or Die has saved the lives of thousands of children (remember those orphanage fires?) but it never gets old.

Friends, please sign the petition and share it with the world. Together, we can stop these goofs. Thank you, and God bless America.

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