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Published April 12, 2011

Our band, ‘Heaven’s Bad Boys’ needed a bass player after our last guy, Kory Flintrock, left town to herd sheep in Akron with his girlfriend. We put an ad out:

Porous Punk Puke Recording Artist ‘Heaven’s Bad Boys’ seek bass player.
Must be a complete bad-ass and have the chops to back it up. No gimmicks, just good clean dirty in yer face rock-n-roll. Must have professional gear with a lot of stickers on it. No reading required, EVER, music or otherwise. Must be willing to practice at least once every six months and be willing to tour the southern half of the west side of Columbus. Auditions will be held on Friday November 5th at Condemned Studios, beginning at 7:3Opm. Alcohol provided.

Well, we went though a couple of cats with really no one impressing us, except for the chick clad in leather with her ankles pierced but she didn’t play bass, she played the accordion. Granted it might have been great on ‘Sex In The Taxi-Cab’, as it is one of our slower numbers but other than this it didn’t fit in with the “vision” so she was a no-go. Well it was getting late and we were getting pretty ripped on Schlitz when this guy walks in wearing a trench coat and smoking a pipe, with one eye looking behind him. We don’t really remember what he played but he said he was condemned to be free to tour and record so we gave him the gig.

He’s a good enough bass player –his chops are fine, his phenomenological ontological music theory is ok, and he never really overplays ya know, just kinda plays what fits. Kinda like a poor man’s John Paul Jones if you will. And he’s a pretty cool guy too. He dresses perfectly for the band, even when he is not on stage. And the pipe gag is top notch. His eye doesn’t even weird us out. You just get used to it and after a while and realize that you just need to look at his one eye. I forget if it is his right or left though.
But when he gets on these kicks about existence and the human condition shit it drives us crazy. He brought some lyrics to a practice once and it was like 8 pages –SINGLE SPACED! And it was all about nausea, hell being other people, bad faith, and other dark stuff. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Heaven’s Bad Boys is definitely hard core and willing to put it out there, no matter what people think –that’s the whole point behind the name of the band! But Hell being other people is just going to reduce our fan base. I know we had the devil and the pope holding hands on our first CD cover but come on, we’re still good christians!

And usually, whenever he’s not practicing, he’s reading or writing. I try to joke and say “When’s the exam chief?” but he just glares at me (or the wall, I can’t tell) and says something like “The Nausea is not inside me: I feel it out there in the wall, in the suspenders, everywhere around me. It makes itself one with the café, I am the one who is within it.”
“Um, ok, you want a Schlitz?”

One time, between sets, when there was this totally hot chick checking him out, he just ignored her to go write about consciousness implying and referring to an existence other than its own and to its own existence as a question. It is this relation of the pour-soi to the en-soi which is the foundation (and the only condition) of knowledge and action. Knowledge is necessarily intuition, the presence of consciousness to the object which it is not. This is the original condition of all experience. Before the object is defined and interpreted, consciousness constitutes itself by separating itself from it. I’m sure that’s important whatever the hell it is but you should have seen this chick, she was so hot. You just don’t pass up a hot chick.

Passing up the hottie was probably the beginning of the end. We toured the West Minster Abbey section of Columbus and the straw that broke the camel’s back was when Jean told us about his new vision for the band. He wanted to have the band provide mood music while actors played out the French resistance to the Nazis but we knew it wouldn’t work when he wanted our lead singer, Helmut Grossman, try to belt out some Maurice Chevalier. This is not Heaven’s Bad Boys! Sorry Jeanny boy, but yer out.

He took it pretty well as he said he was going to leave us soon anyway to pursue a doctorate in Underwater Fire Prevention with a minor in Meta-meta language.
We had to put a new ad out:

Porous Punk Puke Recording Artist ‘Heaven’s Bad Boys’ seek bass player.
Must be a complete bad-ass and know nothing about philosophy. Will have to take a test to verify no knowledge of philosophy. Must have professional gear with a lot of stickers on it and a van because we totaled our last one. Must be willing to practice at least once every month as we are totally about musicianship. Must be willing to tour the western half of the south side of Columbus. Auditions will be held on Friday January 5th at Condemned Studios, beginning at 7:3Opm. No alcohol provided. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

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