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Published June 05, 2008

 I dedicate this to Amy4Birds, NoelleD, and Dave Sirus- you guys inspisre me!

The Shit That Drives Me Nuts (Too True For ‘Divorce Court’)

Jim McPartland

Funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

 

I’ve been married for 19 years. I’m not sure why. Sheer intestinal fortitude? Actually buying into the Priest’s line of ‘till death do us part’? Couldn’t do any better now or then?

My wife points out with the baggage we carry (broke, 4 kids) neither one of us is a real marketable commodity. I think with some good Madison Ave. PR I could bury the minuses and concentrate on the pluses. OK, so the only plus I have is being in good shape for a middle aged guy. And I may look like I have money. Ah, how looks can deceive.

So here are a couple raging battles we have right now. I can be honest here because my wife does not read my stuff- I ask her to and she acts like I’ve OD’d on Lexapro. That’s fine—she’s wrong—it’s Oxycodone (much more fun).

1)      Putting dishes directly in the dishwasher vs. leaving in the sink and putting in all at once.

 

My stance- it takes less effort for everyone to put them in as they become dirty. The sink also does not become a swill of disease and Trailer Park Crust.

 

Her stance- it takes more effort to open and close the machine than to do it all at once.

 

Seeing as I’m the one who puts it in the machine ‘all at once’ 90% of the time (admittedly one of the few tasks I perform), I argue I’m just exerting more effort.

 

2)      Removing hand towels from bathroom to wash them and not putting a clean one in right away.

 

My stance- How the fuck am I supposed to dry my hands?? I don’t even notice there’s no towel until the water and soap are dripping off. I don’t use tissue to clean up sperm (and certainly not clean hand towels) and drying your hands using Kleenex also just leaves tiny pieces of paper—causing you to have to wash once again.

 

How much effort does it take to put a fresh one in when you take the dirty one? Its hours before the dirty one gets back- and she does not replace it then either.

 

Her stance- Takes the 5th.

 

3)      I can’t do laundry because I don’t fold the tee shirts the right way.

 

My stance- I don’t work at freakin’ Hollister. I fold in half and they don’t get wrinkled. Who cares where the creases are.

 

Her stance- They need to be folded sleeves in, then in half.

 

I don’t even like to do laundry, but if I don’t all my gym stuff ends up at the bottom of the basket and I run around for hours looking for clean shorts at 4 A.M.. I wake her up doing that—which causes another bitch session.

 

We do agree on a couple important things-

 

All paper products (toilet, towels) go UNDER.

 

Bush is a fucking asshole. Cheney’s even bigger (sorry Amy4Birds, although having a ‘big dick’ vibrator is appropriate when fantasying about ‘Dick’).

 

And—somehow—we can laugh at this stuff—get over each of our curious habits—raise our kids well—know when to drop an argument (which is usually me saying ‘OK, I’m finished—can you stop now?’ Only to have her say one more comment about me being ‘stubborn, selfish, pig headed, stupid, lazy, etc’--- some of which, at the time, she’s right about).

 

Chime in with your relationship neurosis--

 

 

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