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October 01, 2015

Hurricane sex is the best kind of sex because you can't watch TV during it. Here are 7 tips to making sure you get that sweet love this hurricane season.

It’s hurricane season on the east coast which means HURRICANE SEX IS BACK ON THE MENU! First up, we’ve got Hurricane Joaquin, I mean can you imagine a sexier name for a storm? Hurricane Joaquin, uh, MOMMY LIKE. Anyway, for those of us in a relationship, hurricane sex is like fighting over money - inevitable! For everyone else, here are some tips to help get some hurricane puss and/or peen. The only flood zone you need to worry about is your lover’s undies.

1. Catch your snatch: Invite a likely sex partner over hours before the hurricane is about to hit. This can be a friend you have weird tension with or you can play it off as a whimsical, weird first Tinder date. “I know this is weird but….” Then when it starts raining, act really afraid for his/her safety. Be like “ You should stay here, I’ll sleep on the couch.” Now they’re thinking about sex and also are like “They care about my back health, that’s cool.”

2. Light it up: During a storm, candles are sexy as hell and necessary as fuq. But don’t you dare light up any scented, Stankee candles. No one wants to smell like a cupcake when they’re getting nasty. Just get a couple dozen white tea lights and put them all over your pad. Annoying as hell but worth the effort.

3. Feed your beast: Typically you’d grab some canned food to make it through the ‘cane. But canned food is Bloat City, Population 1,000,000 (Farts). So stock up on some cold salads in case power goes out. Nothing kills the mood like a gas attack. One disaster at a time, please :P

4. Please, please check to make sure your home isn’t in a flood zone: During Hurricane Sandy I was at my parents house in South Jersey. We were safely evacuated but I watched my entire childhood float away. If we had just been more prepared…. You can rebuild objects but you can never rebuild the ultimately false belief that we are masters of this earth. Our lives are merely sand and water, inexorably pulled back into the ocean from which we emerged and to which we will return.

So, please, check and make sure your home isn’t in harm’s way. You can’t save everything but you can maybe salvage some photos or especially important documents. I sometimes wonder if this traumatic experience is what drives me to seek physical intimacy during major weather events. Anyway…

5. Douche, ya douche!: Some of get a little lazy when the weather gets colder and we let our naughty pieces get stank and overgrown. Also the water might go out. SO splash your trash in advance. Then leave the water in your tub so you can flush your toilet, brush your teeth, etc.

6. Phone home: At some point be like “Oh, I’m really worried about my [insert old person here].” Then call to make sure they are ok and have plenty of food. You will look so thoughtful those panties will fall off on their own. IMPORTANT: Don’t actually call anyone. If they actually need help, you’ll have to cart their ass to high ground. Just pantomime that call, your sister will take care of [insert old person here].

7. Have a Plan B: Not the drug, silly (though it can’t hurt). There’s a really good chance that, even with these tips, you won’t catch your hurricane snatch. But then you’re just in your apartment with a person you were clearly trying to fuck. So, I dunno, just make sure all your devices are charged and you’ve got some physical books to read in case your Kindle battery runs out. You’ll get em next time, champ.