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September 20, 2011

In the wake of increased prices and the announcement of a new division of Netflix that will exclusively handle their DVD business, the company is preparing to roll out a handful of additional improvements.

  1. Your list of upcoming movie rentals will now be stored in your 'Qwewe.'
  2. The Qwikster logo will be replaced by a less subtle image of an actual vagina.
  3. Netflix will announce the creation of yet another branch - 'Walkster,' which will involve a user physically traveling to their nearest Walkster location and manually renting a DVD.
  4. The American classic 'Casablanca' will soon join Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog and Dunston Checks In as movies available for live streaming.
  5. The mysterious light in the Qwikster logo will be revealed to be an incandescent light bulb hovering over the head of a man in a straitjacket.
  6. An email will be sent from CEO Reed Hastings apologizing for his 'unnerving, continuous string of abhorrent corporate revisions.' He will also refer to himself as 'humbled' and 'a twit.'
  7. Qwikster will replace the small, convenient Netflix return envelopes with 13.25" x 11.5" x 2.38" return boxes in order to differentiate themselves from their sister company. Returned discs may be padded with the wadded up pieces of paper provided, which contain a host of rejected ideas for the new company name.
  8. Qwikster will offer several never before available titles, including Dubbal Indehmnutee, Gawn Wid tha Winned, and Tha Filladillfeea Stoaree.
  9. You will conveniently be able to create your movie list on one website, watch it on another, pay for it on a third, contact someone to complain on a fourth, and email your cancellation request on a fifth.
  10. Netflix will start streaming porn. FINALLY.