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March 17, 2012

Have you heard about this guy? He recently got arrested and I want people to be in the know about some of the things he's done. #Clooney2012



Yesterday afternoon, we arrested a man by the name of “George Clooney” outside the Sudanese embassy in Washington, D.C. Although we arrest people outside of embassies all the time, for some reason, a bunch of paparazzi started taking photos of us nabbing this guy for disorderly crossing a police line. I didn’t really understand why – he seemed like a pretty normal-looking average guy to me. Handsome, sure. But basically an everyman.  


Somebody pointed out to me that I was arresting George Clooney. Another police officer in fact. I was like, “Thanks for catching his name. That will make the police report infinitely easier.” Then they said, “No. You are arresting the actor George Clooney!” To which I responded, “I don’t care if I’m arresting the kid from “Jerry Maguire”, this Clooney character was in defiance of the law!”  Still curious why arresting this guy was causing all the hub-bub, another police officer told me, “Seriously? You don’t know who George Clooney is? The actor? He’s an Academy award winner!” To which I replied, “I’m sure he’s what you say he is, but it doesn’t ring a bell. I don’t go to the movies that often, I’m always busy. I’m a police officer in Washington, for cripe’s sake.” To which they replied, “You must have at least heard of him, though. You just arrested George freakin’ Clooney!” I was like, “What is this guy’s deal? Should I know him? What’s he been in?” Another officer replied, “You must be freaking kidding me. He is like the most famous man in the world. Why are we even bothering arresting him?” To which I shot back – “Name one movie I should have seen this George Clooney fella in, and we will let him go.”


This went on for a while. “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” Why would I want to watch a movie about three guys breaking out of prison? As a man of the law, that would just upset me. “Ocean’s Eleven?” You mean that movie about those guys who break into a Las Vegas casino to steal millions from it? You are not making a very compelling case that Mr. George Clooney is an innocent man. Then, everyone and their freaking mother got incredibly defensive of Mr. Clooney and desperate that I not send him to jail, on the basis he is too handsome and too famous for jail. “You must have watched E.R. in the 90s”. To which I responded, “To be honest, I used to have it on in the background sometimes, but I was never a huge fan.”


Mr. Clooney is 50 years old. When I was told this by a reader of People magazine who was in the crowd, I said I did not believe it. I even told him. 50? You don’t look it. Not at all.


We detained Mr. Clooney for a few hours, then, when I thought his fate was somewhat – what’s the term – up in the air, he was promptly released on bail. I was still surprised an everyday sort of guy like him had access to so much money. Everyone told me, “DUH. He’s George Clooney, he’s worth like a BAJILLION dollars. We knew this was going to happen.” So we released him, I wished him good night and good luck, he jumped into a limousine and I was glad to see the backside of him. We found out Mr. Clooney is not married and has no children. Which might sound a little bit odd for a man of 50, but I was reassured that he had a girlfriend or something I think, and that he was long notorious for being a bit of a silver fox in Hollywood.


I myself placed the handcuffs on Mr. Clooney. A passing single mother remarked, “I would love to put handcuffs on George”. I am glad that are citizens have the right frame of mind and are not afraid to make a citizen’s arrest. He may be handsome, but that does NOT put the handsome Mr. Clooney above the law.