Jesse Jackson: "I Want to Cut Obama's Nuts Off in a Really Nice Way"

by H. Harold Epstein, Political Correspondent

On Fox News Tuesday, a hot microphone captured Reverend Jesse Jackson making critical remarks about Senator Barack Obama. During a Fox interview with Reed Tuckson of the United Health Group, Jackson said "Barack has been talking down to black people on this faith based... I want to cut his n-ts off." This Thursday, Jackson explained to reporters that he bore no hostility toward Obama and decried the press for misinterpreting his statement. 

 "Stop twisting my words, news media. I meant 'cut his nuts off' in the nicest way possible," said Jackson. "OK, imagine you have a nut bush. Now imagine you can't get the nuts off the bush. You want to enjoy some delicious nuts, but you need help cutting them off your bush. That's all I want to do for Senator Obama, see? I want to gently, helpfully cut his nuts off so I can put them in my mouth. Do you people not understand metaphors?" 

Added Jackson: "For years, I've been a close friend to both Barack and his wife, Michelle. I would sincerely like to cut off Michelle's nuts, too."

As the press conference wore on, Jackson confusingly reiterated his support of Obama: "I want to chop off Barack's dick and slap him in the face with it. Now, before you run that quote, let me explain the interpretive meaning behind it.  As we all know, 'dick' is short for 'detective', and 'slap in the face' is synonymous with 'surprise'. So clearly, I'm talking about taking a Sherlock Holmes book he already owns, wrapping it up, and giving it to him as a surprise... Take a poetry class, people!"

Jackson's clarification cast further doubt over whether he truly supports the Illinois Senator's Presidential bid. "I want to get Medieval on Obama's ass. And no, I don't mean that in the Marcellus-Wallace-torture-a guy sense. I want to buy him a pet donkey and take it to Medieval Times, the restaurant. I hear it's a blast!"