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November 05, 2008


I've decided that I have to get new friends.  The ones I have are starting to put shame in my game.  There's Shaqueera, Heavy E, and DeeDee.  I never thought when I imagined them 8 months ago they would become so clingy.  Now, they are in my head all the time, 24/7 and I can't get them to leave.  They've taken up residence in the ceiling of my bedroom, refuse to pay rent, and eat all my food to boot.  At night, they will not shut up.  They sing, laugh, play charades, and berate me every chance they get.  Let's get to know them better.

Shaqueera is a drag queen.  Oops.  My bad.  She is a transgender. She gets exceptionally pissed when I mess that one up.  She also shakes her hips way too damn much.  Shaqueera loves to steal my clothes.  It started out as just a sock from the dryer every so often, but she has graduated to full-on outfits.  To make matters worse, she criticizes what she calls my "extreme lack of fashion sense".  When I go shopping, she tries to make me buy sequined dresses, animal prints, and feather boas.  "For the club" she says.  Just recently, she decided to start getting into my makeup.  That just creeps me out.  With her bone structure and that goatee, blue eye shadow does nothing for her.  I also think she has been borrowing my shoes too.  I put on a pair the other day and they were scary-wide.  That is just not cool.  I don't like other people wearing my shoes.  Especially without socks.

Next is Heavy E.  Heavy E is the later 70's version of Elvis.  He has decided he wants a rap career, so he changed his name.  His leather jumpsuits take up way too much room in my closet.  I can't get him to see that today's kids won't be impressed by them.  He says it's "bling".  I tried to explain that bling today is jewelry, but I shot myself in the foot on that one.  He goes through my jewelry box and steals anything that remotely sparkles.  He's the main one that eats all my food.  I can not keep peanut butter in this house to save my life.  And when I go to the doctor, if I get pills, he steals those too.  He doesn't care if they are antibiotics, flintstones vitamins, vicodin or sleeping pills.  He will eat them like candy.  Then drink all my booze to add insult to injury.  I criticized him once for not being able to hold his liquor, so now if I get drunk, he wants to get drunker.  Granted it quiets him down from rapping at night, but then I spend the morning cleaning up puke.

Finally, there's DeeDee.  DeeDee is a little slutty.  Oh who am I kidding?  She's alot slutty.  She'd make a great crack wench if she wasn't so worried about Heavy E stealing her earnings.  She has the nerve to bring dates to my house.  I find condom wrappers everywhere.  At least she has safe sex.  She keeps hitting on E, but he won't have anything to do with her.  I think it's because she made fun of his hair.  He's trying out a new faux-hawk, and when she saw it, she laughed.  I also think she has been stealing from me.  There are times I would swear I had $100, but when I wake up the next day, there is only $80 in my wallet.  I suspect she has been trying to tempt E by purchasing him snacks on the side.  Granted, I can't prove it.  But when I find Cheetos and Doritos littering the floor and I didn't buy Cheetos or Doritos, I'm suspicious.  At night, when she doesn't have a date, she likes to taunt me by telling me she's had sex with The Rock.  I tried calling him to confirm this and even sat outside his house and went to every one of his public appearances to see if she is lying.  For some reason, he won't answer me.  I think he likes me better though, because he was kind enough to have a restraining order personally delivered to ME.  He thought it was so important that I know he can't restrain himself around me that he had it hand delivered by a cop!  And she thinks she's the shit...

Anyway, they were ok at first, but now they are just annoying me.  I tried the whole wear tin foil on your head and block them from reading your thoughts thing.  But these three possess some kind of super power and they can read right through it.  The doctor tells me that if I'll take the little blue pills, they will go away.  What he won't understand is that Heavy E steals them as soon as I get home with them.  Doctors are so crazy.