To: George Zimmerman <firstname.lastname@example.org>
From: Jeff Dowdy Law <JDowdy@cheapfloridalawyers.biz>
Subject: Love the beard!
First off, really digging that beard. Keeps your look fresh, which is super important right now as we try and rebuild your image. Speaking of, just had a couple quick things re: what’s been going on recently:
For starters, kudos on having a girlfriend! That’s great, man! The whole murdering a helpless teenager thing could be a turnoff for a lot of women but hey, power of the beard, right? Speaking of your GF, I heard things maybe haven’t been going so well lately? And that you pointed a shotgun at her face during an argument? I know relationships are tough but, going forward, maybe try and avoid settling your misunderstandings by aiming a loaded shotgun at the other person’s face. Just thinking it would be a shame to lose all the good will you must be getting for that slick new beard. You look like George Clooney!
Anyway, really sorry it isn’t working out with you and your gal. Women, right? But hey, don’t sweat it, man. With a beard like that? You’re gonna be beating the ladies away with a stick (just for clarification, please do not actually beat any women with sticks).
Hey, I heard you just posted bond for your latest domestic dispute charge - noyce! I know you’re dying to get back out there and let those chin whiskers work their magic, but maybe take a few nights to just chill out at home, huh? I actually made a quick list of things you might want to generally avoid for a while, if possible:
places where other people live or go
sharp things (especially razors because that beard is lookin’ fierce!)
yelling “I am invincible!”
yelling/talking/speaking in general
reminding people that you exist
or even thinking about getting rid of that beard! (for real, it looks super sharp on you)
Anyway, I’ve got a pretty big day of dodging rocks being thrown at me because I’m your lawyer so I’d better get going. Remember what I said, huh? And try and keep that chin up so people can see that beautiful beard! (seriously though, as your lawyer I advise that you do not let anyone see your face ever again).
All the best,
P.S. - Have a great Thanksgiving! (do not have a great Thanksgiving)