After reading JMBCPart blog about football, I decided that I need to share my knowledge about football. This is for women who have men that love the game, but feel confused about where they should stand during football season. Lets start by breaking down a few details of the game. A play happens when the hunky guy with the tight pants runs with the ball or kicks the ball. A play is not over until they stop running or the ball they kicked goes through that giant two pronged fork. You may be tempted to speak at the end of either of these, but wait! Like looking both ways before you cross the street, you must make sure one of the guys in Stripes has not dropped a fancy yellow Kleenex. This is the same as seeing an oncoming car, you must wait until he is done talking or you may get hit. Another rookie mistake (rookie is their way of saying new guy) is talking about "watching too much football" anytime during any game.
1. Wait to walk in front of the TV until the play is over (Remember to look both ways!).
2. NEVER stand in front of the TV during any part of a game, even post game (After the clock has counted down and the guys in snappy sports coats start talking)
3. Don't ask if anyone wants another beer, just bring it (be happy if you get a smack on the butt, this is "football" for thank you)
4. If the game falls during meal time, said meal will be served during half-time in front of the TV and will not have courses. Do not talk about how you found the recipe for pigs in the blanket or how hard you worked on the dip, if will fall on deaf ears. Like placing a sacrifice in front of a god, you pile as much of you best food as you can on one platter, set it down and run away, never turning your back to it. NEVER present any healthy alternatives.
5. All questions must be short and presented after plays (Look both ways again!), all questions not about football must be asked after the post game report (Snappy Sport coat guys) unless it is an emergency, then you may ask at the end of the quarter (after the little clock counted down from 15 minutes).
6. It is your responsibility to find out when Play-offs take place (Like Black Friday for us, The ultimate end all that will not be missed or interrupted) write it on your calendar and stock you fridge accordingly. NEVER plan any other activity you expect him to be a part of, no matter how minor, during this time period!
7. Treat a replay as if it were the first time he ever saw it, all rules apply
8. DO NOT ever pretend to know what is going on. They can sense your ignorance, and you don't want to seem like a football poseur!
9. An injury is treated the same as a play or re-play, all rules apply.
10. Use commercial breaks to your advantage. This is where your Oral Communication course comes in handy. Prepare a short, to the point presentation of questions that can be answered with simple grunts. A break is between :30 seconds and 2 minutes. This tactic may not be used during the Super Bowl.
It really is in your best interest to keep the following information in your day runner. Highlight EVERYDAY beginning with the start of the Hall of Fame game (first game of pre season and do not really count, but we don't mention that) until the end of the playoffs (Super Bowl) about 18 weeks. Find out the team he follows and write the dates they will play (Advanced wives/girlfriends can include Home or away info, in case you want to surprise him with tickets) find out what games he intends on watching and write them down (advanced wives may want to keep track of his Fantasy football leagues and games he will watch to keep up with his fantasy players) Realize that any day that is highlighted in your calendar is subject to be interrupted with football, Plan on doing any activity alone during this period and praise him like a puppy that went potty outside if he decides to join you on any of these days. He will be receiving sports updates via cell phone on these days and the same rules apply as if he were watching the game.
My credentials you may ask...I have been married to a die hard football fan for eight years, we are very happily married, even during football season. I am not a license therapist. I am a battle scared football wife, who is trying to enlighten other wives. Save yourself tears and years of therapy by applying these 10 simple rules to your marriage.
Yes, theses are rules and not suggestions.