It’s that time of year again! Did you accomplish your pre-grets from 2013? No? CONGRATS! That’s what they were for! But now we’re moving on. That’s right, break out the champagne (Amnesia Juice!) and toast yourself to another year of poor choices and a healthy dose of life’s bullshit which we hope to never deal with. Here are 14 Pre-grets for 2014 - it’s gonna be a train wreck!
1. I will try to give up swearing and actually manage to, except in front of important people and small children, who will then learn those words and refuse to stop saying them no matter how much I whisper-plead.
2. I will complain that no one understands me, then cry/sing along to Taylor Swift because THAT’S HOW I REALLY FEEL.
3. I will look at every buzzfeed article that comes my way because what if this is the good one? Is there a good one? There has to be a good one. There’s no good one.
4. I will find the next big TV show - on Netflix - and let everyone know that this is “Totally 2014’s Breaking Bad,” only to find out it was canceled 2 years ago.
5. I will gripe about the fact that every person I know is having a baby or getting married and then go get wasted and grind a booze-filled stranger because I’M NOT AFRAID OF AGING.
6. I will agree with everyone that Beyoncé is the most beautiful, inspirational, driven person in the world and that I totally identify with her before I log off facebook to take my third nap of the day, covered in Snickers wrappers.
7. I will give a TED Talk to my pets or, since they can run, my own reflection. It will be inspiring and DECIDEDLY NOT SAD because I’m a hero and a genius. I’m a henius.
8. I will become a Bitcoin miner only to have a nasty run-in with Bitcoin claim jumpers, who take all of my virtual money and shoot my virtual horse, Bexley. I will miss you Bexley. BEXLEYYY!!!
9. I will try to make up at least 3 slang terms in my group of friends that go absolutely nowhere, even though my words are totally henius and I don’t drop a flooch what you brain.
10. I will invest in new technology and buy a 3-D printer only to try to print 3-D copies of my butt.
11. I will take the healthy step to start drinking more smoothies. They will consist entirely of cookies and ice cream, but they came from a blender so IT COUNTS!
12. I will become flabbergasted when I realize that I can’t respond to a real life conversation with an animated gif from a TV show and, in a panic, I will try to describe it.
13. I will label all events as “the worst” or “the best” or “my favorite” because I’m a very opinionated person and those things aren’t singular.
14. I will go for a walk outside exactly one time but stop short when someone tells me there is a snake up ahead and I realize there are snakes EVERYWHERE when you’re outside. That’s what outside is: SNAKELAND - except the part that’s Spidertown.