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December 01, 2014
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Dozens of apps in the App Store are now RED and will help fight AIDS. The following will not.

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Right now, dozens of apps in the App Store have been magically turned the color red. That means for every “RED” App that you purchase, the money goes straight to the people who are working to end AIDS. What apps? We’re talking apps like Angry Birds, Garageband, and Starwalk. OK, full disclosure: Not sure what Starwalk is but the fact of the matter is that it’s red. Really red. Like the reddest. Hell, they’re all red now. So buy ’em! And help the fight against AIDS. You hate AIDS.

And just in case you’re still a little hazy, we’ve provided a list of red things to avoid purchasing because they will not help the fight against AIDS.

  • Crabs
  • Lobsters
  • Red algae
  • Tomatoes. Do not buy tomatoes. Please don’t be confused because they are also red. Tomatoes won’t help unless your salsa can cure AIDS, which is unlikely but congrats if that’s the case!!! That’s a spicy salsa!!!
  • Red roses
  • Red peppers
  • Red Wings
  • Redskins. I mean, that’s offensive on many levels. Though, that said, if you did want to buy the Washington NFL franchise, theoretically you’d have the final say on changing their name. Not bad. You know what? Do that too. Curing AIDS, helping the progress of society, and that salsa you probably made ain’t bad. Anyway, where were we? Ah yes…
  • Stop signs
  • The outer border of yield signs
  • Red wagons
  • Fire trucks
  • 1/3 of traffic lights
  • Lazers
  • Phazers
  • Debi Mazars (Entourage star/known communist)
  • Mars
  • Sports cars
  • Sports bars (in hell)
  • Autumn leaves. Actually, autumn leaves are more of a maroon. They’re also yellow and orange depending on when you’re looking at them. Sorry, we’re getting caught up on the wrong things here. Sometimes we just forget to take a step back and appreciate nature and what it gives us every day. Like, we’re too caught up in the grind and feeling like we’re living the life we’re supposed to live to live the life we want to live. This shouldn’t concern you, though — it’s our own baggage. The point is don’t buy it.
  • Taylor Swift’s fourth album
  • Is the Red Sea still a thing? If it is, don’t buy it. It’s not worth the trouble.
  • Rudolph’s nose
  • Santa’s butt
  • Little Red Riding Hood
  • DVD set of The Red Shoes Diaries
  • Red, the dad from That ’70s Show

That’s it. That’s every conceivable red thing you could but shouldn’t buy. Everything else in that App Store that’s red? Buy it! … Or are you PRO-AIDS??!!

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Illustrations By Kevin Alvir

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