Governor of Indiana Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom Act into law this week. Critics say the law is designed to allow Indiana businesses to refuse service to gay people if they claim it violates their religion.
We are big believers in religious freedom ourselves. Our religion requires us to send penis cakes to homophobic governors, in the hopes that it will make them reconsider their prudish asshole ways. Here’s how you can do the same.
1. Call an erotic bakery. It turns out there is essentially a nationwide hotline for this. Like hospitals and police officers, the good people of eroticcakesusa.com deliver around the clock, within the day, virtually anywhere in the nation. We’re not sure how they do this and they seemed a little annoyed that we asked, but their phone number is 1-877-803-8211.
2. Tell them you want a penis cake. You can also include a fun little message to set your penis cake apart from the many we are sure he will receive.
3. Here are the three penis cakes that we personally ordered to bother Governor Pence. One has a squiggle of frosting jizz. One has a little smiley face. One is a black penis, because it is Jesus’. #cakespiration:
4. Mail penisy goodness to:
Governor Mike Pence 200 W. Washington St., Rm. 206 Indianapolis, IN 46204
Or if you prefer that he receive your sweet sticky penis when the working day is done, send it to the governor’s residence at:
5. Wow, penis cakes are expensive, huh? If you would like to explore a more cost-effective option, consider a mail-order cookie cake. We suggest shipacookie.com. You can send them a JPEG and they will slap it on a cookie and mail it wherever you wish. They do amazing work. Here is a cookie with Garfield fucking Odie that we ordered from them for unrelated personal reasons:
6. If you have a great idea for an obscene cookie cake to mail to Gov. Pence but lack the funds to carry it out, tweet us your obscene cake idea @funnyordienews. We will choose our favorite and send it to the Governor on your behalf.