1) Peace Out
If you’re trying to let someone down gently, silently chucking a deuce while you walk backwards and make eye contact has got to be one of the worst ways to do it. That’s what you do after you dunk on someone, not the first step towards defining platonic boundaries with that one friend who relentlessly wants to bang you.
Abraham, one girlfriend is enough! Rosita is pretty and she loves you and, uh, made you a necklace out of a broken taillight? OK, maybe it’s time to get on Zombie Tinder and start assessing your options. She gave you wearable garbage, let’s hope for your sake that she’s not the one.
2) The Secret Is Out!
Hey, everyone! Grab your favorite handgun and come quick, Rick and Michonne are finally getting it on! I like how everyone just keeps their gun drawn while they process this new and exciting information. Maybe lower the guns? I didn’t go to any gun college, but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to run around the house with those things pointed and loaded unless it’s absolutely necessary. Wait, never mind, that guy just introduced himself as Jesus again. Keep the guns up and now also use one of them on his mouth area to prevent that from happening in the future.
3) Size Matters
“Your world’s about to get a whole lot bigger.” NO THANKS! No new zombie friends. Every time the gang meets another group, all it does is breed death and misery. They were only in Alexandria about two weeks before husband heads started falling off and 2,000 walkers showed up to sell Zombie Scout cookies door to door. Have you tried the Thin Mints? There’s nothing thin about them! But seriously folks, I keep eating these cookies and I’m actually getting fat and the worst part is I don’t even give a shit because they’re so good. I don’t know why I’m still single, I have so much to offer.
4) Rick Grimes: Father Of The Year
“Carl, uh, sorry I didn’t tell you about me and Michonne HAVING SEX last night. The SEX WE WERE HAVING was just last night and I didn’t have time to TELL YOU ABOUT THE FUCKING WE DONE DID, I SAY I SAY, WE DONE DID IT because as I have stated it just SEX happened last SEX night.” DAD! DAAAAD, CAN YOU NOT? Gross! That’s the grossest and most unnecessary father-son talk ever. I bet Carl wishes he got his ears shot off, too. And then Rick has the opportunity to be a loving father and build some confidence in his boy. Does he take it? Let’s go to the replay.
Nope! Rick just kind of silently agrees with Carl that a kid with a hole in his head is not the best way to make a good first impression about Alexandria’s stability. Hold this baby, freak show! The rest of us have work to do. Important stuff that requires two eyes, you wouldn’t understand.
5) The Bisquick Line
“When you were pouring the Bisquick, were you trying to make pancakes?” Would’ve loved to be in the room when AMC’s lawyers called General Mills for the green light on that line! Abraham is a poet. A poet who just ruined pancakes for me, maybe forever. And I fucking love pancakes. Especially ones with chocolate chips! It’s a real art to make sure there are enough chocolate chips that you get some in every bite, but not too many that the pancake loses its textural identity and structural integrity. What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, keep Abraham off of breakfast duty and away from any cream-based soup preparation. That guy’s got some clear issues and also I suspect he jerks off into food items.
6) They’re So Cute Already
You guys! They’re so cute already, you guys. Public displays of affection and a road trip with friends, I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious. #ZombieRelationshipGoals. Just don’t let the joys of new love get in the way of doing things like surviving and not dying. Happy for these two! I’ll try to overlook the looming reality that every woman Rick kisses seems to die instantly.
7) Stop Or This Mom Will Shoot
Let’s leave the pregnant lady alone with the guy who has proven multiple times to be impossible to guard and a lethal threat with his hands. Rick, I don’t know if you understand but that little creature inside her tummy isn’t able to stand lookout or provide cover fire. It’s a growing baby and it doesn’t give Maggie any kind of superhuman strength. It’s actually kind of a hassle. But this is the dream team that traded a truck full of supplies for half a can of warm orange soda, decision making is perhaps not their strong suit.
8) Puddle Of Mud
Rick was so busy holding hands and wondering why Daryl wasn’t feeding him chocolate that he drove straight into the biggest mud puddle this side of the Mississippi. Gee, they really caught a lucky break that the car got stuck in the exact place they were going! What was the plan B here if this mud puddle showed up literally anywhere else? “Rick, my camp is just a few miles up the road.” “Your camp is here, now.” “….?” “THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY!”
9) Guns > Spears
Guys. I don’t know if you’re aware, but all those spears do is make you look adorable. Rick and his gang have real guns with real bullets and they don’t have “run” or “call the police” in their playbook of ways to solve problems. Sticks and stones may break some bones but Rick Grimes will put a bullet in your face faster than you can count to zero.
10) Wash Your Back
Hospitality is one thing, but forcing someone to shower when they enter your house is super weird and uncomfortable. For starters, you’re basically telling them they smell. Which they probably do, especially Daryl. But way more unsettling, what do you have in mind for later that requires me to be so clean? Because I can only think of a few potential activities and getting sexually assaulted before you peel off my skin and turn it into sweatpants is up there as the most pleasant one.
11) Bro Talk
Man, Abe is really killing it this episode with the one-liners! The really gross and unnecessarily graphic one liners, and that’s coming from me. But I guess there are only so many things to talk about these zombie days and who is sleeping with who has got to be on the short list of interesting topics.
Abe, you, uh, having a little moment there in the mirror with your necklace? Weighing the pro’s and cons between the beautiful girlfriend you have and the crazy one you want? I HAVE BEEN THERE, BROTHER. While there’s an inescapable human tendency to overlook what’s in front of us and fantasize what’s out of reach, the best advice I can offer you here is to not rock the boat because both of these ladies have access to weapons and a history of violence. Your best bet is to ride it out and just wait for one of them to get eaten, problem solved.
12) The Name Game
Going out of your way to let someone know you’re not going to bother remembering his or her name, classic power move. You’d have to be a real asshole to treat human beings like that. Wait a minute. I do that. That’s been my thing on these recaps for some time now. Am I, in fact, an asshole? Yeah. I guess am sometimes. It’s OK, at least I’m in touch with it. We’ve all got our flaws! Some of you like to point mine out every week in the comments that I always read! What a fun thing. Fun that you do that thing. You’re so fun sometimes. Please don’t change in a hurry.
13) It’s Been Zero Days Since Rick Grimes Has Been Soaked In Another Man’s Blood While He Waves A Gun Around In A New Town
Rick! It’s only been three minutes since the last time you bathed in another man’s throat blood and terrified a peaceful town with your erratic and undiscerning free gun waving show. Chill, dude! You are FREAKING OUT THE TOWNIES! He plays it off super casual with the timeless phrase, “What?”
“What?” Hmm, let’s try to solve the mystery as to what everyone is looking at it. Are you wearing white shoes after Labor Day? Fly undone? It could be any number of things, but my gut says it’s the fact that it looks like you just went down on a menstruating grizzly bear and everyone is afraid you’re going to murder another human in broad daylight. But I could be wrong! I’m wrong all the time. I’ve been wrong three times so far today and I haven’t even had lunch yet.
14) Ultra Sound Beams
Let me just get this straight. Their defense maxes out at spear technology, but they have an ultrasound machine? Sounds like they really have priorities in line! Don’t get too attached to that machine, half of it now belongs to Alexandria! Seriously. Michonne will be in momentarily to chop the machine in half, a deal is a deal, Daryl’s out in the field right now figuring out which half of the cow he wants. So these simple folk are getting extorted and killed by Negan and then Rick’s team shows up and kills someone then extorts them. Sounds like they made a really good deal! Way to laterally move from one violent parasite to another. Tune in next week! Will Abraham be the first zombie apocalypse survivor to talk his girlfriend into a threesome that ultimate rips their relationship apart? Eugene sure hopes so, and not just so he can watch. Where’s Carol? Probably off adopting a new child that she can scare and eventually kill. That’s kind of her thing! Who is this new Natalie person and will we see more of her? She’s my new favorite character! So bold and undeniably dynamic. None of this and more on S06E12 of The Walking Dead!